Word Count: 6,911
Date: 9/23/05
Series: S2
Rating: M+
Category: Relationship
Pairing/Focus: Lee/Kara/Zak
Warnings: Angst
Summary:
Spoilers/Disclaimers: WARNING! Could contain spoilers up to
season 3! The Fic is based on rumours I’ve red on different boards on the
Internet. The characters are not mine.
Acknowledgements - Lea, you have my deepest gratitude for helping me with the grammar, with the words and making this Fic so much better!
"Starbuck where are you? Starbuck do you hear me?"
"Galactica, Apollo, I've lost her!"
She had almost forgotten how protective he could be as the CAG, and as Lee. But she reminded herself that he had always been like that.
-----------------
"Alright nuggets, I expect this arrow to be nothing but tight!"
Kara turned her head to see if all her students were in position on both of her flanks. Following a vehicle in a two-dimensional space was an easy walk in the park, you just had to adjust speed to keep the correct distance to the leader in front of you. However, flying in close formation in space, with five Vipers moving in high speed, was at least to say, tricky. You had to account for that third height component which made up the three-dimensional space. This made every nugget scared, since these close formation exercises always washed out at least out one third of the cadets before the end of the semester.
"You know the drill, you have been practising for a long time in the simulators, you know how to do this!" she tried to calm them.
She looked at the Viper to her left where she caught a frightened but familiar face. She prayed he would remember his training while she gave the order, "On my mark, three, two, one, mark!".
She held her breath while an arrow of Vipers formed up behind her. At first she was quite surprised to se her nuggets perform so well, and then she saw it; Zack started to drift and wobble.
"Coyote, easy on the stick, keep your distance, just watch your heads-up-display and follow the red arrows." she said firmly but soft.
She hoped her voice would calm him down and make him focus and gain control again. To her relief she could actually see he was making some progress. Crashing in to another Viper in these speeds had happened numerous of times before. She just didn't want it to happen to her nuggets, especially not to him, because she knew how much getting his wings meant to him and not to mention to his father.
"That's better Coyote, keep it up!" she encouraged him.
She looked at the arrow of Vipers behind her and thought it was time to make a course correction when she heard a familiar voice over the com.
"Apollo, Control, initiating test, can't wait to se what this beauty can do!"
"Roger Apollo, switch to channel Zulu, we don't want to disturb the Academy's Viper training."
"Affirmative Control, switching to Zulu." Lee responded.
Kara's heart jumped, it had been some time since she last got the privilege to watch him fly or even hear his voice, not to mention seeing him. After their graduation they had been given assignments on different ships and there just hadn't been any occasions to meet.
Everybody had heard about the famous Apollo, and she could just imagine her nuggets trying to catch a glimpse of him in the sky.
"Nuggets, you have a mission to fly, focus on it" she prompted.
She pressed a couple of buttons on her com-panel so she would be able to listen to both of the channels.
For a second she almost forgot about the nuggets and reminded herself that she was actually in charge of this exercise.
"Ok, let's speed things up shall we, nice and easy."
All the nuggets picked up the speed and followed her lead.
Kara tried to get a view of Apollo's ship and caught it flying towards the bright sun at the center of the solar system.
"Apollo, Control, my radar is malfunctioning and I can feel some shaking, transmitting data."
"This is Control, receiving transmission. We are monitoring your telemetry, stand by for instructions."
"Standing by."
"Apollo, Control, abort mission and return to the Pacifica, I repeat, abort mission!"
"Control, this is Apollo, aborting miss/" Lee tried to confirm as the transmission suddenly was interrupted by the sound of something that appeared to be an explosion.
Kara immediately started to search the sky as she looked towards Lee's last seen position, but he was too far away for a visual.
"Apollo, Control, come in." the crackly voice from Control echoed.
Silence.
"Apollo, report!" the voice grew louder this time.
"Apollo?!"
Kara knew something was terribly wrong and she made a split second decision she knew was going to cause her trouble later, but she really didn't care and she really didn't have time to think about it. Instead she just acted. As a flight instructor she knew she had to set examples and most of all, she had to follow protocol. But not today. Not when it was Lee.
"Scar, I'm leaving you in charge, hold position here and wait until I return, confirm!" Starbuck barked her order to the other Viper pilot.
"Where are you going Starbuck?"
She could hear how worried Scar was over the com but she didn't have the time to explain.
"Frak, just do as you're ordered Scar" she almost screamed out and realized that she had to calm down and added, "You'll do just fine, I'll be right back with you. You all can follow the chatter on Zulu if you want, but don't interfere."
"Yes Sir, Scar has the lead."
"Starbuck, Control, I will go after Apollo to see what's happened." she told them in a voice that said whether they agreed or not she was still going to do it.
"Starbuck, this is Control, thanks for offering but we will have a Search and Rescue bird launched in a couple of minutes."
Kara pushed her Viper in the direction where she had last seen him. There, she found him, his ship was heading towards the sun at high speed and still accelerating. She instantly understood the danger of this picture.
"This will be over in a couple of minutes, I'm going in." Starbuck replied knowing that there wasn't much time.
"Starbuck, Control, that's a negative, hold your position." the voice ordered over the com.
"Control, I have a clear visual of what's going on and the situation is BAD! You will loose your experimental ship and your pilot if I don't engage now!" Starbuck said trying to keep her voice calm and not turn around and find who was on the other end and deck them.
"Search and Rescue is just about to launch, the experimental is classified, do not approach, I repeat, do not app/" the voice from Control repeated.
"Fraking morons, I'm going in! You just gonna have to shoot me out of the sky if you want to stop me!" Starbuck yelled, there was no fraking way she was going to sit by and watch Lee die.
Kara couldn't believe how narrow-minded the military could be sometimes. Frak rules and regulations! They were talking about a man's life here, they were talking about Lee's life. She didn't care about some secret ship, she cared about the man inside it. "Gods Lee, hang on, I'm coming to get you." she whispered to herself.
"Apollo, this is Starbuck do you read?" she called out to him.
"Apollo, please come in!" Fear echoed in her voice.
Kara was closing in fast and came up just behind him and pushed a little farther so they were flying side by side. She could see that the cockpit was starting to get filled with black smoke and Lee's head was resting on the side of the canopy.
"For fraks sake Lee, wake up!" she yelled on top of her lungs.
"Control, Starbuck, he is heading towards the sun incredibly fast, I believe he is unconscious and I can see smoke in his cockpit."
"Lee, wake up!!!" she screamed in terror, he couldn't die, she wasn't going to let him.
If they would stay on this course any further they would be pulled in to the sun's gravity well and then none of them would be able to pull out. They would fly directly into the sun and burn up. She felt like a bystander, frak, she needed to come up with something, now! Before it was all too late!
"Lords of Kobol, hear my prayer," she whispered, "Protect Apollo from the sun". She realized how stupid that must have sounded. Protect Apollo from the sun, he was the sun according to myths! The sun should be his favourite element! Kara sure wished it was.
Perhaps she could give him a small push in order to alter his course. But the change in velocity and direction he needed to stay clear from the sun was way too high and any attempt to push his Viper mark X would most definitely crush both of their ships. Frak, frak, think Kara! Her mind screamed at her.
Perhaps all he needed was a wake up call.
She tried to ram him gently, hoping the shaking and the rattle would wake him up. They collided pretty hard and she hoped that the ships would hold it together for a little bit longer.
"Lee? You there?" her voice begged him.
Kara was getting desperate now and if he wouldn't wake up at this instant she would loose him, forever.
"Lee, you're about be cremated in the sun, you need to pull away now Lee, make a hard bank left!!! Lee!!!" Kara yelled.
Suddenly she saw how Lee's ship rolled hard to the left and she screamed hear joy out over the com.
"That's it Lee, keep on banking, I tell you when to stop!" Kara's voice was full of happiness as she saw his ship move.
"Control, I think he is awake, he is turning!" she shouted happily.
And there it was, his voice over the radio, "I can't see a thing." he managed to say while coughing. "There appears to be something wrong with the environment controls."
Kara could hear that he was coughing badly. Lee had his gear and helmet on, how could the smoke get into his lungs she wondered.
"Lee, it sounds like you have a leek in your environment system, try to disconnect it from your flight-suit." she prompted, knowing that just the suit had an air supply for at least half an hour, plenty of time.
Silence.
"Lee???"
"I disconnected it, I think it's getting better" he said, still coughing though.
Kara could see the cockpit turning all black, "What's your visibility?"
"Zero."
"That's alright, I'll just fly by your side and guide you in." Kara told him softly knowing that he would trust her.
Kara had done something similar in basic training before, when they simulated a blackout in the cockpit. She knew that Lee was familiar with the procedure.
"Starbuck this is Control, you will do no such thing, the Pacifica is restricted area and all ships without permission will be shot down, you know the drill Starbuck, there are no exceptions!"
"Alright, then send in the SAR to guide him in!"
"The SAR is from your Academy and they do not have any clearance either."
She couldn't believe this protocol loving bastard. Kara was about done with this idiot but managed to calm down a bit.
"Don't you have any other ships?"
"Negative, not at the moment, we are scrambling from another system."
Her patience was running out.
"So Control, what are you going to do?"
"We are working on it as we speak, you are ordered to return to your Viper group."
She hesitated. She didn't want to leave him until she knew he was alright. The nuggets were fine. They had probably followed the whole ordeal and surely they would understand why she had to leave them. Now her highest priority was to make sure that Lee was taken care of, now.
"Starbuck, I'll be fine," he tried to say between his coughs, "I'm sure they will come up with something just in a few seconds, I don't want you to get into more trouble because of me."
"No trouble" she almost whispered, "No trouble at all". Gods she hated this. She knew he was out of any immediate danger, but the coughing was getting worse and he needed medical attention ASAP. She just wanted to make sure that he was fine before she headed back to her nuggets.
"How are you feeling?"
Silence.
"Apollo?"
"I think I'll be just fine, don't worry about me." he said in a dry and broken voice, "You heard the Control, leave,"
Now that's when she started to get really worried, when he explicitly said not to.
"Now!" he ordered her, using all his willpower to sound like if there was absolutely nothing wrong with him.
"Control, Starbuck, what's the plan?" she demanded.
"Starbuck, you have been ordered to leave, I won't say this again,"
"I'm not leaving until I know you actually have a plan!"
"All I am permitted to say is that we are waiting for another ship to jump in from Caprica, they appear to have some problems with their FTL-drive though but according to their Chief they will be here in thirty minutes."
Thirty more minutes! That cough needed medical attention now!
She stayed close by his side, so close that she could almost reach out and touch him.
"Apollo, I just got a crazy idea. Use your sidearm to shoot away the canopy! That would definitely clear up your skies!"
Lee almost started to laugh, but the pain in his chest restrained him from doing that. That'll be the day. Blow a hole in the new, one of a kind, military, experimental ship. Yep, he could already see all the upset admirals running the inquisition.
"Like you said, CRAZY! Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't have any sidearm with me. We are not at war, remember!"
Frak! How could she clear out that smoke? Finally it struck her. Reach out and touch him, that's it!
"Ok then, I have another idea." she muttered as her mind formed her idea out.
"I'm almost afraid to ask. Let's hope this one is better." he said with dry humour in his voice which Kara would have laughed at if he hadn't been coughing while he said it.
"Sorry, worse. Hold on!" She left his side and rolled in on top over him, inverted. She looked down into Lee's cockpit and all she saw through the smoke was a piece of his helmet, still resting on the side of the canopy.
Now Lee feared the worst, when Kara had her mind stuck on something she wouldn't stop for anything, she kept on going until she got the job done. Her tactics had been most impressive back at the Academy. There was just something wild and unpredictable about it and it always seemed to work.
"Could you please fill me on this ballgame of yours?" he asked worried, just a rough idea would be good for him right about now.
"See, you know me so well!" she said smiling, "Ok so pretend that I am a pyramid ball and you are one of the goals!".
"Wait Kara," he tried to understand what she was up to but he just couldn't figure it out, "What? Wait!".
"Don't be such a sissy, I'm just gonna bounce down on your canopy and make a hole in it, score you might say" she said lightly knowing that he was not going to take this idea very well.
"You got to be fraking kidding me. Kara, don't! Kara, I don't like this!" Lee screamed at her, she was insane and she was going to kill them both.
"What's not to like, you'll get the ball and then you can go home!" Kara told him over the radio as if it were obvious.
Lee sure didn't like this, but he understood that they had run out of options. His lungs were killing him and he knew he had to see a doctor or else he could get some permanent damage, which most probably would ground him forever or even worse. He had seen it before, one of his former shipmates, when he came in after a fire in the cockpit. He sure didn't want to end up in a respirator for the rest of his life. He didn't want to worry Kara, he had tried to hide it from her. It appeared that he hadn't done a great job, somehow she knew minutes were at stake here.
Kara looked back at her fin and realized that if there was any part on her Viper that she could afford to loose, this was it. The fin only had a function in an atmosphere and since this was space, she would be fine. Well, and then there was the radio antenna of course. But it was an easy choice. Lee or her fin!
"You need to duck down!" she said and seconds later she couldn't see his helmet anymore, "Alright, this is it, brace for impact!" she shouted.
She closed in on him as her Viper protested loudly by the crushing treatment of her fin. But Lee's canopy was shattered into pieces and underneath her she saw Lee waiving with his arm.
"AND SCORE" she yelled, forgetting that no one could hear her. Her radio antenna was out.
--- --- ---
Lee walked through the hatch and saw Kara sitting on the floor, still in her flight suit, with her back against him. He recognized her blond hair sprawling out through the bars. She raised her head from her knees when she heard that someone was approaching. She turned her head upwards to meet his concerned and worried gaze, still with her arms wrapped around her legs. She was happy to see that he was alright.
Lee took a hold of the bars and leaned towards them and looked down on her. Even now, thrown in the brig and all, she looked so calm and not to mention drop dead gorgeous with that innocent and vulnerable look.
"Hey," he managed to whisper.
"Hey," she answered smiling a bit. "Are you here to bail me out just like in the old days?" she wondered.
"I wish." He hated to see her in here when all she had done was save his life, sometimes the fraking rules were just wrong.
"Good to see you again Lee." Kara said smiling at him, she couldn't imagine what it would be like if she had failed.
"Thanks to you," he sighed.
"No more coughing, huh," she stated, still looking up into his blue starlit eyes.
"The doc gave me some good medicine to suppress my coughing reflexes. Actually he ordered me to stay in bed, but I made it pretty clear that I had to see you first and make sure you were alright" Lee grinned boyishly at her.
"So, are you alright?" he wondered softly. What a stupid question, of course she wasn't, she had been thrown in the brig and it was all because of him!
"Just a little cold, I guess it's from all that sweat I worked up saving your but and not to mention flying that close to the sun." Kara said with a sigh, looking around at the bars which looked awfully familiar. How many times had she been thrown in a brig by know? Too many she stated in silence.
"Oh, you mean me" he said with a smirk on his face which faded rather quickly, "You need a shower or you'll most certain catch a cold or even pneumonia."
"Yeah, tell that to the man in charge." Kara muttered.
"I will." Lee told her, he would do what he could to make things easier for her if he couldn't get her out.
Lee kneeled down and took a hold of her shoulders and started to massage and rub them in order to work up some heat. "Better?" he wondered.
Kara could feel Lee's hands burning through her flight suit. She closed her eyes and bit her lower lip. Lords, how did he do that? Feelings of guilt rushed through her mind. Sometimes she wished they had never met. She felt like that lost girl at the academy, first falling for the younger brother, just right in time to realize it was really the elder brother she really liked, had desperately wanted.
But she wasn't that little girl anymore, hell, she was a woman and her whole body ached for having Lee's hands all over her.
Frak! Pull yourself together Kara! Her mind screamed at her, before she made a complete fool of herself.
She had to fight every cell in her body to pull away from his tender hands, but he wouldn't let go, even though she leaned forward a bit. His arms were stretched and she could still feel the burn of his two warm hands, which were resting firmly on her shoulders.
Lee looked at her back and understood that he had stepped over that invisible line. He hated the boundary, but he knew he had only himself to blame for it.
He probably could have had any woman, but he wasn't really interested. There was no one he had felt so strongly for as he did for Kara, but unfortunately he had discovered it too late. He knew that this approach was forbidden territory. Kara belonged to Zak, period. How and when that had happened was still a conundrum, but it had, his brother had beaten him to it.
Lee blamed himself for it, he had taken her for granted, believing that there would be plenty of time to explore their feelings and hopefully start a relationship after their graduation. But suddenly it was all too late. When he had spent all of his time with his nose deep in the flight manuals and tactical books, studying and flying simulators, Zak had sneaked in for the kill, because that was exactly what he had felt like when he had found out. Kara had had the time to socialise at the Academy, she didn't bother about scoring the highest results on the exams, she didn't have to, she was the best pilot in the class and she would have graduated as the top of their class if it wouldn't have been for her poor exam scores. Lee would never forget their training at the Academy, they had shared so many great memories together.
Kara must have been bored with him always buried deep down in his flight books. That's it, Zak had been nothing to her but a distraction, or at least he wished it was just so. Still he was most grateful for the time they had spent together at the Academy. They had been a terrific team, not only in the sky, but living together as roommates as well. They complemented each other in a way he only had come to understand afterwards. He had helped her to pass the exams and she had thought him how to trust his instincts while flying.
Who was he kidding? She loved Zack, end of story. Just as a thousand times before, feelings of guilt came flowing through him. He finally let go of her shoulders and rose up.
Even though they weren't touching Kara could feel Lee's eyes on her. He must have felt it too because suddenly he became serious and used his most authorial voice saying, "What you did was stupid and, and,"
Kara jumped up on her feet and walked a few steps deeper into the cell and turned around, facing him, ready to strike. This was just what she needed, another lecture from Apollo, the great military officer and leader, who never in his life had disobeyed any orders. He was the fleet's poster boy in every sense, who could compete with that. She hated this. However, deep inside she knew he was right, but still, she would never let anything happen to him if she could help it, never. Frak the orders.
Lee backed up and was quite glad he was protected by the bars.
"You endangered yourself and your Viper and not to mention my ship and all your green nuggets you left behind in space", he continued, knowing this would hurt her as much as it did him, but he had been ordered to give her a reprimand. He really hated being on her case like this, cause all she had done was to risk her own life when trying to save his.
He then sighed deeply and looked at her.
"Kara," his voice was softer now.
Kara was still watching the ground with her arms crossed. She refused to look at him. She felt it just wasn't fair.
"Kara, please look at me." Lee begged her.
She hated the way he pushed her buttons, he always had, and he always would. She hated to always ending up giving in to him. Hated him for always being right.
Slowly she met his gaze while he approached the bars again.
"Kara, I owe you my life and you will forever have my deepest gratitude," he said sincerely.
He paused for a while and then continued, "I wish I had your courage and that I was as brave as you are, putting my life on the line like that to save someone else's.".
Kara smiled and was happy that the lecture was over, for now. "It's a bad habit, I have to admit. This is two you owe me now fly boy, and I will collect one day, you better believe it." she said reassuring with a cocky grin.
"You are a true hero and I will always respect you for that." he slowly continued.
They both relaxed and smiled a bit, while looking at each other, both relieved that the situation had resolved quite well after all.
Suddenly Lee became all serious again and Kara feared that the lecture hadn't been over at all. It had just been a trick to let her guard down, but she froze when she heard his confession.
"Kara, if you keep doing dangerous stunts like this, your luck will run out at some point," he paused as he search for the words to continue, "Kara, you mean the verse' to me and I couldn't bear loosing you."
Kara was stunned to hear these words from his mouth. Gods, she wished it all had been different, but it wasn't. She was already involved, just as he was. And yet there he was, longing just as much as she did, she could feel it.
She slowly walked up to him and put her hands over his, which were still holding on to the bars with a death grip. They both lowered their heads. There they stood, forehead to forehead, all quiet. Kara could hear Lee breathing and she closed her eyes and concentrated all of her senses towards this man who was standing just in front of her, the man who meant everything to her.
Lee opened up his eyes and watched her beautiful face as he released his hands from hers. He then reached for her flight suit through the bars at the level of her hips and drew her closer towards him.
"Do you understand what I'm saying?" he said while shaking both of her hips slowly. He rested his hands on both her sides as he tried to meet her eyes. He was surprised she didn't resist his hold of her and finally she looked up at him.
"Don't you see Kara, if something would happen to you I would…." he faltered not sure what to say, or would he say too much and ruin the friendship they already had.
"What?" she asked in a soft voice.
"Come here." Lee ordered, his voice deeper than normal.
She slowly came closer against him as he wrapped his strong and solid arms around her along with two of the bars. She buried her face in his chest while he gently kissed her on her head.
"I thought I was going to loose you to the Sun" she said with a broken voice. She looked up into his deep blue eyes and he could feel she started to shake and all of a sudden tears started to trickle down on her cheeks.
"Shhhh, I'm right here," he rocked her slowly and kissed her on her cheek. He lifted one of his hands a brushed her hair away from her eyes and tucked it in behind her ear. He then wiped her tears away and put his hand behind her head and gently pressed it back towards his chest, still she didn't resist.
He could feel her warm body pressing up against his, causing his heart to skip a beat from the sensation. This was dangerous territory, he knew it, it was just like walking on the edge of a knife blade, but it just felt so good to have her in his arms. But all good things had to come to an end and the next phrase Kara spilled had done just that.
"How's Gianne?" Kara had to do something to break the moment before they both did something that they would regret.
Lee froze in the moment he just recently had hoped would last so much longer. But the moment was long gone and he had to give her an answer, he had to explain. He was terrified to meet her gaze, almost ashamed for what he had done.
"What's wrong?" Kara asked with concern.
"She's …", Lee started,
"What?"
"She's pregnant."
Kara felt a knife cut right into her chest! This was it, the point of NO return. No take backs, this was for real.
"Gods, Lee, that's….." she hesitated and backed up from the bars and released herself from him with her gaze shifting, "That's just wonderful Lee. You're, you're going to be a great father."
"She left me." he interrupted her.
Kara stared at Lee not really knowing if what she was hearing was a good thing or a bad thing. She felt guilty of almost being glad that Gianne had left him.
"Why?" she wondered.
"I guess I wasn't ready to give up my life, and she felt it. I mean I am military, and a deep-space test pilot, meaning I have the most dangerous job in the universe, not the perfect daddy material. I can sort of understand her point of view."
Kara studied Lee's expression on his face. She felt jealous and confused, she sure hadn't been ready to hear this. When had this happened? Her thoughts wondered off to the pilots that Lee had flown with, they had always respected him and followed him blindly. He exhibited such great leader skills. She just knew he would be the best father a child could ever have.
And she was not going to be a part of that.
"I couldn't think of a better father Lee." she managed to say with regret in her voice, were the only regret was that she was not going to be the mother of his child. Of course she didn't want to have any children right now, but she sure would have loved to have one or two in the future.
Lee, a father! She could truly see him as the greatest father ever, actually she had already imagined it, a couple of times.
"Don't get me wrong, I really want to become a father one day, but the risks we take in our job don't make me a good candidate right now, hell, today was a perfect example of that! I mean even if it is peace times our job means taking high risks and what if the Cylons decide to break the peace treaty?"
"Oh, Lee, come on, you can't be serious!"
"Expect the unexpected, prepare for the worst, remember your training! Have you forgotten everything you learnt at the Academy? Why do you think you're flying Vipers, it's not just for your personal ego, it's for protecting mankind from any outer or inner enemies."
"I know Lee, it's just that we haven't seen or heard from the Cylons for ages and I don't think they are about to show up now either, just because you are going to have a baby. I just think it's a bad excuse is all."
Lee frowned and exhaled deeply. He really hadn't planned on this to happen with Gianne, but it had, and now he had to take full responsibility for it.
"Maybe I should just quit flying, open up a restaurant or a bar or something."
Kara was shocked to hear him even utter something like that.
"What are you saying, you love your work, this is your life and not to mention that you graduated at the top of our class and see, already promoted to be a Captain and flying the military new goodies. Frak, I know people who would give anything to lead the kind of life you're leading! You were born to do this, you belong in the sky and in space." Kara told him from the heart.
"No, you do Kara, I have seen you, you're a natural, there isn't anyone better than you" Lee said honestly, he would never be as good as her.
"Don't say that!" She cried out afraid that he would really leave the military and that was the last thing she wanted. He loved flying as much as she did.
"I mean it!" he said while he grabbed out for her upper arm, "I am just good at it because I always worked very hard for it. I promised myself I would not make it on my father's credits. I had to work my ass off at the Academy while you," he paused and tried to control his anger, "while you were out dating my brother behind my back!" he spitted as he pushed her away hard.
Lee knew he was being out of line, but he couldn't help himself. This day had turned out to be a horrific day and he was just tired of reasoning and being rational, being Lee. Sometimes he admired Kara for her stubborn and insubordinate attitude, hit first, ask questions later, and it appeared that he had picked up on it. He just couldn't control himself around her.
"It wasn't like that at all!" Kara tried to defend herself with tears dripping down on the floor. She didn't even bother to wipe them away.
"Then how was it, tell me!" he demanded. Lee was tired of playing all these games.
She just gave him a fierce gaze and abruptly she sank down to her knees and wiped the tears out of her eyes, sobbing loudly. All hope was gone. She felt her strength leaving her as her heart was being torn to pieces. She didn't care if he saw her like this. What would it matter anyway? It was all too late now. She hoped it didn't have to come to this. Well, she might as well put all the cards on the table now when they game was afoot.
"How is Zak by the way?" he managed to say in a somewhat softer voice, deeply regretting his violent outburst earlier. Seeing her fall apart on the floor like this was not like her. He had seen it some times before, but the occasions had been very rare and he had never been the cause of it, except for now, and he hated himself for it. All he wanted to do was to hold her tight and never let go. Why was that really so hard?
"He's … good, he…." she stuttered.
Silence.
"He, what?" he wondered.
"He asked me to marry him," she whispered, still looking down on the floor, too afraid to meet his gaze.
Lee was stunned to hear this revelation.
"Congratulations" was all he managed to say dryly.
"I haven't given him any answer yet….."
"Why?" He couldn't help himself, he needed to know.
She had hesitated to run into something that wasn't going to last for a lifetime. She had hesitated because she couldn't see Zak as the father of her children. He was just too immature she just couldn't see it in him. Yes, she loved Zak, but that was just not enough. She needed someone who really understood what flying meant to her and there was only one man she knew who did just that and that was Lee. She had always hoped she would run in to Lee some day and take it from there, just the way it had happened today, only today had been a disaster and she knew that all of her hopes had gone out the airlock.
The situation had just become too complicated and too painful so she decided to end whatever illusions she had had before. All this pain had to stop, they both needed to move on with their lives. She couldn't go on like this anymore, hoping, pretending and wishing for something which was never going to happen. She was sick of it. She needed to get back into the cockpit seat, back in control and try to figure out how she should go on with her life. Deep down she knew she was going to have to break up with both of the Adama's. Let go of the one she couldn't have, and break up with the one she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with. But first things first.
She stood up tall and walked up to the bars next to Lee and looked straight at him.
"Oh, but I will, I just wanted to make sure he would survive his first Viper flight." she said steady as a rock.
He was now free and she was completely stunned by the pain of letting him go.
Lee couldn't believe what he was hearing. He wasn't sure if this was what she really wanted, or if she just was getting back at him for some reason. Then again, why would she, they hadn't promised each other anything, and by the way, she had been heavily involved with Zak and he sure wasn't going to sit around and wait for her. And he hadn't. When Gianne had come along she had been the perfect way for him to forget about Kara.
Forget about Kara. That was a mission he would never accomplish.
He sure knew that this wasn't what he wanted and what he had hoped for. He felt tired and old having to carry and hide all of these emotions inside of him. For such a long time he had wanted to unleash them, to let Kara know. But that just wasn't Lee. He didn't have it in him to step all over his brother and claim something that was never his in the first place. He loved his brother and he didn't want to do anything that would hurt him in any way, meaning he had to let Kara go, as painful as it was.
She was standing so close to him, but yet so far away. All he had to do was to reach out for her, as simple as that. He cursed himself for letting things get out of his hands like this. He used to be on top of things, always in control and by the book, but this was Kara and nothing could be predicted when she was around him.
Suddenly Zak stepped through the hatch.
"Baby, what happened? " Zak said as he headed straight for her.
Both Lee and Kara backed away from the bars. Lee was surprised that his brother got to call her baby any other man would have been hacked into pieces by her hand.
Zak understood by the look on their faces that he had come right in the middle of something. "Oh, did I interrupt anything?"
"No, of course not, your brother was just giving me a lecture, as always."
Lee turned towards his little brother and managed to smile, "Congratulations Zack, Kara told me the good news," the words got stuck in his throat but he managed to force them out.
Zak looked surprised and shifted towards Kara, "Is it true, have you finally made up your mind? That's wonderful! This is a cause to celebrate! As soon as you get out of the brig will have a big party. Oh, come here baby."
Lee watched when Zak leaned in and stole a kiss from Kara and he felt a sting through his chest. He couldn't breathe, he just couldn't see this, he needed to get some air, he needed to get out, out into the cockpit and fly close to the sun again.
"Get a room you two" he tried to joke when he passed them, leaving the holding area and blinking hard to stop the tears.
Kara watched him disappear through the hatch, "Don't burn your wings again Apollo, or should we call you Phoenix now instead? I might not be there to save you next time!" she shouted after him, but Lee was long gone and the next time she saw him was at Zak's funeral.
--------------- Gods, she wished that things had been different that day and maybe the Cylons had made it just so, even though she never would have guessed it back then. She could hear Lee's desperate and worried voice over the com, "Kara, are you ok?" and she smiled towards him while she turned on the light switch on her flight helmet. Flying so close, nose to nose, all alone with Lee, had made her so happy. She couldn't even remember the last time she had felt like this. This had triggered her to start hoping again. She silently prayed to the Lords of Kobol that they would find a way to wash all the guilt away and set things right, the way it should be, together.
The End