Word Count:
Date: 10/23/05
Series: Season 2
Rating: K+
Category: Relationship
Pairing/Focus: Adama/Roslin
Warnings: none
Summary:
Spoilers/Disclaimers: Up to and including Pegasus
Now
The events of the day had been exhausting, but rewarding. Strange how life could change so much in such a brief space of time. Who would have imagined a few weeks ago she would be sitting here waiting in Bill's quarters on Galactica? Back then the chances of them ever exchanging a civil word had seemed remote. Spending the night together would have been an impossible dream. Yet here she was, curled up on his sofa waiting for him- feeling completely at home as she looked through one of his collection of books, knowing it would be morning before she left. It was odd, she would have expected to feel nervous or excited, but she was strangely calm. She wasn't sure why, the thought of being held by him excited her deeply, but just being in his quarters relaxed her. She felt safe here, which was really strange considering the events of the past.
******************************************************************
Then
She had been tired, wet and depressed back on Kobol. It was not exactly the most habitable of planets, and despite being known as the home of the Gods in mythology, it didn't feel deeply inspiring or holy. All it had inspired in her was a desire to leave, especially as all the enforced inactivity while they waited for the rain to clear enough to continue their journey gave her too much time to think. While she had not lost her faith in the prophecies, she had to face the reality that knowing the direction of earth would do her little good without the support of the Galactica to complete the journey. At that moment the sole military protection they she had was three officers and a cylon! Not good odds..and she wasn't at all sure she could trust either the cylon or its human lover. The ships which had chosen to follow her to Kobol were unarmed; the first cylon attack and the majority would be wiped out. Sure Zarak and his crew had a few hand arms, but nothing to stand up to a cylon, assuming she could trust him, something she had serious doubts about. She was positive he had a personal agenda; she just wasn't certain what it was yet.
Then everything had changed in a matter of seconds when they heard an intruder approaching their scanty camp; they had all feared the possibility of a cylon attack since they landed. She had been well aware that their meagre defences could be easily breached. Captain Apollo quickly motioned their small force into the best defensive position he could. However it wasn't a cylon who stepped out of the bushes but Commander Adama. Was he friend or foe? For a few seconds she wasn't uncertain. If he arrested her, it would all be for nothing. But no, it seemed that wasn't his agenda, and he had turned everything, including their relationship around during the hours that followed. The two of them had talked briefly, settling the dust and finally taking a few steps towards a possible friendship. She had been amazed at how much that this had pleased her, but then she'd had to acknowledge that his opinion had always mattered to her. Since they met, she'd tried hard to ignore the feelings for him which had slowly grown within her, despite all her good intentions. Usually she'd been successful; it had helped that his actions often infuriated her, so it'd been easy to convince herself that she didn't really like him. She knew she couldn't let him close to her- she was much too vulnerable, and not just because of their relative positions. He stirred feelings in her she had never expected to feel again, especially not now. He made her conscious of being a woman- one who desperately wanted this one man to notice her. It was so stupid. What had she got did she have to offer him? Nothing but a brief moment in time before she died, even assuming he was remotely interested in her as a person rather than the contentious leader he had to work with. Much as she would have loved to have someone close by to help her through this increasingly rough journey, she couldn't stand the idea that he might leave her once he found out about her cancer or worse still, stay out of duty alone.
They had talked briefly after their return to Galactica, building bridges between the two of them. They both agreed that they needed to communicate more directly with each other, and that honesty between them was essential. Captain Apollo would no longer act as liaison; they needed to talk face to face to avoid misunderstandings. At first their excuse for so much time spent together they gave each other was that it was the only way to prevent another colossal divergence of policy from happening again. It was part of their truce. But soon it became just that, an excuse. Spending time together just showed them that they had a lot more in common than either initially thought. Also, strange as it might seem, when they weren't fighting each other-they actually liked each other a lot. The experience with the Press had given them the opportunity to work together on something; it was a rewarding time for them and the fleet. Laura had found herself coming to rely on the quiet moments when there was just the two of them, to get through the hassles of the days. That Bill appreciated them too was evident in his increasing use of her as a sounding board for problems in his world. He clearly valued her advice.
The development of the Stealth ship had been a triumph for everyone. It had helped her feel more positive at a time when she was screaming with fear inside. It was also a turning point in her relationship with Bill, as his silent support finally gave her the courage to discuss the subject of her cancer with him. She knew he had guessed that the latest news was bad when she returned his book, but he deserved to hear the full truth from her so he could begin to prepare for the time when she wouldn't be there, if for no other reason.
However, approaching the subject was difficult; she was terrified of breaking down in front of him and embarrassing them both. She could still remember the reactions of well meaning friends when her mother was ill, they had backed away whenever the talk got too intense. They had spoken for a while about other things, as she had searched for a way of bringing up the subject. She finally decided to ask a question which had been puzzling her for a while: just why, when everyone else had doubted the validity of her visions, had the logical commander of the Galactica accepted them without question?
"Can I ask you something?" Laura asked the question tentatively, she was deeply curious, but not at all sure that he would answer despite his recent openness with her.
"I thought that was what you had been doing." Bill sounded relaxed and amused; after all he had spent the last half an hour dealing with a wide range of questions.
Laura grinned, acknowledging his point. Her expression became serious again as she asked, "What changed your mind?"
"About what?" Bill looked puzzled, he wasn't quite sure where she was coming from now.
"About believing me, when I spoke of my visions." Laura asked.
"When I heard you were having visions due to Chamella," he promptly answered. His expression became serious as he studied her intently.
"Pardon me?" Laura was stunned, that was the last thing she had been expecting him to say.
"The Chamella was giving you visions, you mentioned it in your address," Bill repeated.
"I know that," Laura said impatiently, "but why would that change your mind? You have made it clear you don't believe in the gods, or religious practices, so what has changed?"
"Nothing," Bill confirmed. "Though events on Kobal are making me a bit more of a believer."
"So why?" Laura was getting a bit frustrated with him; he was avoiding her question.
Bill gave a sudden grin; he was clearly enjoying winding her up. "Lets just say I believe in angels," he said enigmatically.
"Okay," Laura was sure now that he was playing with her. "And they say I'm deluded. So when did this divine messenger appear?"
"Nah, it wasn't like that," Bill denied hastily.
"Then what was..oh was it when you were dying?" Laura said, suddenly remembering that he had been through a major life changing event recently.
"No, not then," Bill denied. "Oh, it had its effect," he continued, obviously seeing Laura's sceptical look. "I don't think anyone can come that close to dying without feeling some impact."
"So it wasn't that which opened your mind to angels?" Laura wasn't above a little teasing herself.
"No, I think that just focused my mind," Bill said seriously. "I have spent a lot of my life hiding my feelings, being strong, especially with people I love. I guess that has made me realise all the things I have never taken the time to tell them. I have always assumed they knew, or I could do it later. Nearly dying made me realise later may never come."
Laura drew a shuddering breath; she could empathise with his emotions. "I understand. You are lucky to have a second chance." There was a wealth of unspoken emotion in her voice, something Bill instantly picked up on.
He gave her a look, raising an eyebrow; the question asked silently, giving her the chance to ignore it if she chose.
Laura hesitated, habit told her to ignore the unvoiced query and change the subject; instinct told her that she could trust him, and if she wanted to regain the full trust she had lost by her actions she needed to open up and be honest. And she desperately didn't want to damage their budding friendship.
After a brief mental struggle, trust and the need to share won out, and she continued. "I was always close to my father; he was the one that encouraged me to be a teacher. He loved reading books and sharing his knowledge. He was a born storyteller. The last time I saw him, we had a stupid row, I can't even remember what started it," she said softly. "All that I know for certain is that I told him I hated him...six hours later he was dead." She drew a shuddering breath. "I never got the chance to tell him I didn't mean it."
"I'm sure he knew that," Bill said gently. Laura looked at him, a question in her eyes. "I only have to hear you talk about him to know how much he meant to you. There is no way such a good teacher could have missed that."
Laura sighed "I really hope he did, but I can never be totally sure." She paused, pushing her sad thoughts away. "Anyway, you are avoiding the subject."
"H'mm?" Bill had clearly been reflecting on what she had told him.
"You haven't explained about this angel," she prompted.
"Persistent, aren't you?" Bill said with a grin.
"Always, haven't you learned that by now?" Laura replied with a slight giggle, the one thing she could say for Bill Adama, he had a great sense of humour. "So tell me about this vision."
"Oh she was no vision, she was very real."
"Ah so who was this paragon then?" Laura was determined that she would get an answer from him now.
Bill looked deeply sad and pensive, old memories clearly rushing back as he replied quietly, "My wife."
"Your wife.Lee's mother?" Whatever Laura had expected him to say, this wasn't it. She had guessed he missed his ex-wife, though it puzzled her, as Lee had implied his parents parted years ago. But if she didn't still mean something to him, why was he wearing his ring? Though come to think about it, she could have sworn he hadn't been wearing a ring when she first met him.
"No, not Caroline, her name was Anne."
"I wasn't aware you had been married...twice?" her last word was a question, what else didn't she know about this man? Lee had never mentioned a stepmother.
"Twice," Bill confirmed, looking down. "Most people aren't even aware she existed, and I don't ever talk about her."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry." Laura felt awkward; it was obviously a very private subject, she had no right to intrude no matter how curious she was about this mysterious Anne.
"It's okay, I think maybe she would want me to tell you," Bill said as he studied his hands.
Laura was puzzled, why would it be okay for her to be told? But anything to do with this man intrigued her, so she was happy to listen.
Bill looked up slowly, meeting her eyes, and he looked so sad that Laura was very tempted to reach out and comfort him, so she hastily shoved her hands underneath her legs.
Bill drew a deep breath and began his story:
"Let me tell you the story of a gentle angel who fell from heaven one night....
She was a very special person, too good for this world really. She changed my whole life around," he concluded his story sometime later.
Laura had tears in her eyes; she would never have expected the story she had just been told. It made her view him in a whole new light. She had always assumed that when he found out about her cancer he would be supportive in a distant way while she was still able to work, but would regard her with pity and insist she stand down if he felt she was too tired. It was one of the reasons she hadn't told him from the start-that and her own attraction to him, she'd hated the thought of him treating her like an invalid. Her experience with her mother had taught her that there were normally two types of people when tragedy struck, those that stuck around full of sympathy and "poor you" and those that ran for the hills... Someone who was willing to be supportive and yet allow you to still be the person you were, to live as much as you could without pitying you was a very rare bird indeed. She could almost envy Anne her life, short though it had been- it was one filled with love and joy, sharing everything, both good and bad with someone who gave her love unreservedly despite everything. Their stories were similar in some ways, but Anne had been lucky enough not to have to travel the final road alone.
She took a shaky breath. "She sounds a pretty special person; I can understand why you called her an angel."
Bill gave her a warm smile; he had known she would understand.
"So that's why you believed me about having visions," Laura breathed. "Anne had them too, didn't she?"
"Yes," Bill confirmed, "In one of them she saw me in charge of a great fleet of ships seeking sanctuary. We had dismissed it as a dream, but.."
Laura's eyes widened, no wonder he had believed her. It was ironic, really. She had been convinced he would never believe her if she told him about the visions' role in her pursuit of the arrow, yet if she had told him everything, he would have been the one person who would.
"No wonder you believed me," she commented.
Bill nodded "Yes, I had experienced it before. I understand all about the effects of both the cancer and the chamalla on the body and mind."
"I am sorry; my illness must be bringing back a lot of bad memories for you." She suddenly felt guilty for talking to him like this. She hadn't realised he might have had personal experience of what she was going through. Normally she avoided discussing any of her feelings with people-she had learned not to burden them long ago. But something in Bill made her yearn to reach out to him. Especially this "new" Bill Adama she had met on Kobal. It had been easy enough to resist his attraction when he was being brusque and dismissive towards her, but an understanding, sympathetic Bill Adama was almost irresistible. She often felt so alone.
"I didn't say that," Bill was quick to reassure her, "maybe I didn't make it quite clear-but even knowing what would happen in the end, I have never regretted the time I spent with Anne, the joy far out weighed the pain. The memories I have of that time are all good despite everything." He was very emphatic on that point.
Laura met his eyes and knew he was telling her nothing but the truth- and more. She felt her heart skip a beat; his eyes made it clear he would feel the same way about being with her too if she chose to let him. But what exactly was he offering? She looked down at her hands; a few weeks ago, a friendship between them would have been more than she could have hoped for. But since Kobol they had grown closer and closer. They had learned to trust each others` judgement. He had never asked her advice over a military decision before today, let alone been willing to admit that he had taken it. Today when she was struggling not to cry over the Blackbird she had felt his silent support radiating at her from across the room. Then later he had been there too, supporting her without question as they stood off to one side while she tried to collect her shattered emotions. But as much as she valued his friendship and the new closeness between them, a part of her desperately wanted, no needed more from him, she wanted his love: that of a man for a woman he desires-but did she have the right to ask for it? And if she did, how would she know if his response was based on desire for her or just pity?
Bill could see Laura struggling with herself, looking into her eyes he knew that she wanted to let him closer to her, if only for the comfort he could give her, but she was clearly still afraid of something. He wanted to reach out and hold her, but instinct told him that he needed to be totally honest with her if that were ever to happen. It meant exposing his heart to her scrutiny; he could not afford to hold anything back if he wanted her total trust.
Bill uttered a silent prayer to the gods he normally professed not to believe in, that he was doing the right thing. "Laura, I need to you to understand something," he said quietly.
Laura looked back up into his eyes fearfully; it seemed her question was going to be answered.
"I know we have not always been friends," He said, "but that has not stopped me learning to care deeply for you despite my best intentions. I don't know if you want to hear this-but I need you to know that I have come to love you deeply. I know you may not want anything more than friendship from me, but what ever you need from me, it is yours without strings, please accept it." His sincerity was obvious, both from the tone of his voice, and the vulnerability in his eyes. His words were from the heart.
Laura felt her world spinning, she had never dared hope his feelings might be as strong as hers- or that he would trust her enough to open up his heart and actually tell her! She felt tears start in her eyes as she gave him a tremulous smile. "And if I want more?" she asked tremulously.
"More?" Whatever response Bill had been expecting, that clearly wasn't it.
Laura gave a little laugh at his bemused expression, truth demanded truth.trust such as this should be rewarded by equal trust.
"I love you too," she told him softly.
They had spent the rest of the evening talking; oh it had been very tempting to just reach out and touch each other. But she needed to be sure he understood the full magnitude of her situation. She had been totally honest with him about Cottle's prognosis; but it had made no difference to his decision. He had instinctively known she needed to talk, to let out all the emotions she had been holding back since she'd been diagnosed. She had not realised how much she needed to cry until she started, then she feared she would never be able to stop.
She had always thought that the most intense human connection was that of the meeting of two bodies skin to skin-but she found that the mental closeness that comes from two souls meeting without barriers can cast just as an enchanting spell. It seemed like they tried to fit a life time of learning about each other into those few short hours.
******************************************************************* Now
Even now, sitting in his quarters, Laura still couldn't believe how far they had come and in such a brief period of time. But maybe that was the answer-she had so little time left and neither of them was prepared to waste a moment of it. In her fantasies she had always imagined that sex with Bill would be something unplanned, frantic and fiery. Reality was something else entirely, something so much deeper than a desperate one night stand. It wasn't that she would have turned that down necessarily, if that had been all that was on offer. But it wasn't what either of them wanted, or needed. He needed to be there for her, for his love to fill all the empty places in her life and make her feel complete. She needed to know that if she let him help her, she would not be making things worse for him when she was gone. No, this relationship was a planned, conscious choice on both their parts to explore their feelings for each other; a soul deep commitment. There were no more secrets between them now, no more hiding from the truth. The time she had left was limited to hours and days, but what time there was, they intended to spend together- consequences be damned. Oh she wasn't planning to announce it to the world, but she wasn't hiding from it anymore.
All of which explained her presence here now; as far as the rest of the world was concerned she had come to Galactica to discuss strategy with the Commander. No one else knew that the time for just talking was long done; both of them knew what the future held for them as a couple, now was the time to move forward-for taking the final step from close friends to lovers. It felt strangely natural to be sitting here, wait for him to come home from work-as if it were something she had spent a lifetime doing. Perhaps that was part wishful thinking on her part, because given the choice she would be, for the first time in her life, willing to do just that. Oh not to be a housewife, she had never wanted that role, and to give him his due, she honestly did not think Bill would want that either. But to be there waiting, knowing he would be with her as soon as he could-that was something she would love to have the time to get used to. Laura smiled ruefully to her self, no one who had known her before on Caprica would believe that she was yearning for what amounted to domesticity-she had always been so independent, but then life had taught her to fear closeness. It had taken someone as stubbornly independent as herself to teach her the true value of a partnership.
Bill caught sight of her smile as he entered the room; it made him smile in response. It just seemed so right to come home and find her there-he intended to make the most of it while he could.
Laura saw the pile of reports he was carrying and groaned. "Don't tell me-more work."
Bill followed the direction of her eyes," Oh just a little" he said teasingly, "It seems the President wants my opinion on virtually everything at the moment."
Laura laughed, "Well you can tell her from me that you are otherwise occupied tonight."
"Is that an order?" Bill said with a grin.
"Do I really need to make it one?" Laura was enjoying the gentle banter between them.
"Well." Bill pretended to think for a moment and then opened his mouth to reply just as the com channel issue a red alert. "Frak" he said as he got to his feet. "Perfect timing," he said ruefully to Laura as he opened the channel. He knew they wouldn't call condition red without good cause.
Colonel Tigh informed him they had a large Dradis contact on the screen. Bill sighed and said he was on his way to CIC with the President. "Well Madam President," Bill said, his eyes meeting Laura's as they hurried to the door, "it looks like you picked a hell of a day for a visit"- they both knew their personal business would just have to wait, for now.
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