Word Count: in progress
Date: 9/26/05
Series: S!
Rating: M
Category: Relationship
Pairing/Focus: Lee/Kara
Warnings: none
Summary: Inquiry of Captain Lee Adama…When Jennifer Evans
died aboard the Rising Star last week, she left behind a note and an 18 month
old little girl. Her letter indicated that Lee Adama was the father of her
child.
Spoilers/Disclaimers: Don't own the characters or universe,
just playing with them, will return them unharmed and without making a profit.
Summary – See summary...
"Based on her birth date, she was conceived shortly after summer solstice, two years ago, right around the time of Zach's death. Accidents happen, Lee, but you can't ignore your responsibilities."
Lee shoots his father an outraged glare, "You of all people, have no right to lecture me about the requirements and responsibilities of fatherhood."
Ever the diplomat, President Roslin intervenes, "Captain, I realize that this is a highly personal and private matter that we're delving into, but we have the welfare of a young girl to consider here. No doubt during that time on Caprica, you were grieving, hurting, and there's no shame in turning to other's for comfort." Her smile turns slightly melancholy, "When faced with the reality of death, we often do things that are out of character just to prove we're alive."
Kara watches the proceedings her feelings alternating wildly between numbness, disbelief, anger, and shame. The anger finally wins out, "For fraks sake Lee, just tell them the names of the people you slept with that week?"
The pain of betrayal mars his face when he replies, "I spent one night with one person. It was not this girl's mother."
"The evidence would suggest otherwise." Tigh interjects, "The paternity test is positive, 88% genetic compatibility."
"That's impossible."
"Is it?" Lee looks up upon hearing the dejected tone in his father's voice, "You've admitted to having a one-night stand during the critical timeframe. The DNA matches. And then there's the letter. How can you be so sure?"
"I never slept with a Jennifer Evans" Lee hisses.
"You've gotta give us something to work with Captain" Tigh demands. "If it wasn't Jennifer Evans, than who was she? What was her name?"
Kara notices that Lee's face has gone from frustrated anxiety to stone cold anger, "I'd like to exercise my rights under article 23 of the colonial law."
"Captain, you're remaining silent on this matter will only leave us to judge you based on the scientific evidence" Adama concludes.
"Stop this." Although spoken in a whisper, the commanding tone in Kara Thrace's voice is clearly heard by everyone present. "He's not hiding anything; he's just being stupidly noble."
"Captain, there's no harm in releasing this young woman's name when, in all likely hood, she never survived the attacks" Roslin reasons.
Lee's stomach is churning with a vile mixture of guilt and anger. How can he explain this? How frakked up is your life when you'd rather people thought that you were a deadbeat dad, than know the truth?
Tigh's voice cracks the painful silence, "Forgive me Bill, but I doubt that you had a fling with young Ms. Evans the week of Zach's funeral, which means Lee must be the father."
"He's not" Kara states firmly, rising from her chair to stand beside Lee.
"And how could you possibly know that?" Tigh asks in exasperation.
William Adama watches transfixed as Kara takes Lee's hand into her own and squeezes it tightly. It's a sign of support…and silent admission.
Chapter 2
Laura Roslin tries to keep her face as neutral as possible, but even to her, an outsider, this discovery is shocking. Not so much from Lt. Thrace, who's prone to impulsive behavior, but most definitely from Captain Adama. She chastises herself mentally for that thought, remembering what she had said only moments ago about facing death and mortality. "I think, Cornel Tigh, this is now a discussion best left with the Commander and his family. Shall we?" she asks while gently taking him by the arm and moving him towards the door.
Tigh allows himself to be shepherded to the exit and an ugly look of incredulity and disdain floats across his face as he closes the door behind them.
Lee cannot bring himself to look into his father's eyes. Instead he chooses to look at the hand holding his, exhaling deeply. `She never listens' he thinks. There was no reason for her to be dragged into this mess. With each step she took towards him, his eyes had pleaded with her, `Don't do this!' Then he felt the warmth of her hand settle into his own, and he couldn't stop the relief that washed over him. Lee cannot be angry nor fault her reason, because if it was Kara under fire, he would have done the same.
Kara knows that it's because of that single night, that she and Lee have no place to move forward from today. Or perhaps it's because they never spoke about what happened the evening of Zach's funeral. She's relived that night so often in her sleep that sometimes Kara thinks she dreamed it all. But Lee's actions today confirm it was real and that he has never forgotten. More incredibly, he does not appear to hate her for it.
William Adama is beyond words. He can only continue to stare at the entwined hands of the only two people left in this world who he loves. The swelling emotions of anger, betrayal, disbelief, & disappointment are dragging him under like a rip tide. He wonders how this could've happened and he is suddenly overpowered by his failings as a father. A single labored breathe draws both their eyes to rise to his in perfect unison. The synchronicity of their movements is so natural that it only serves to fuel his worst suspicions and he allows the current of anger to take him. As he finally looks at his eldest son he cannot restrain the frustration that creeps into his voice, "I never would have believed that you could betray your brother that way, Lee. Your mother and I raised you better than that...better than to take advantage of…"
"Don't you frakking dare, pin this on Lee." Kara has taken an imposing step forward placing herself within the commander's line of vision. It tears her heart in two when he meets her gaze. This man, who would be her father, is now looking at her as though he doesn't know her at all…and as if he doesn't care to. "You don't know the first damn thing about what happened that night. You have no right to sit there and pass judgment on us." Her voice is rising in pitch and fury with each passing moment, while her body trembles as the truth draws closer. "And for your information, Lee is not the one who initiated it, okay? I did that. That responsibility, that blame, it lies with me."
"Kara?" Lee places a hand on her shoulder, trying to interrupt this tirade before she crosses the final line.
"No!" she cries throwing Lee's hand from her shoulder and squaring against his father, "You wanna know? Do you really want to know…what happened that night?"
Kara's face is rigid with tension and Bill can tell she's fighting back tears. He's not sure he wants to hear this, but he needs to understand how this happened if he's to ever look his son and `daughter' in the eye again.
The Old Man gives her the barest of nods, indicating she should continue, "He saved me." Kara's voice drops to a near whisper, more akin to a prayer than a reason, when she repeats it, "He saved me." She feels Lee's hand at her side and allows him to steer her to nearby chair where she collapses, emotionally drained and dispirited.
Adama barely registers the words…hearing them, but refuting their meaning because the implications chill his blood. It was hard to believe that Kara was a danger to herself, but knowing now about her contributing role in Zach's death, the prospect was disturbingly astute. He remembers offering Starbuck a place on Galactica because his instincts told him that she needed a purpose and a fresh start. Would she have even lasted long enough for him to make that offer, had Lee not been there for her?
Lee kneels before her, gently holding her wrists and keeping vigil until she's ready. Their next step will be back in time. He can see her steeling herself for the journey back with each deeply controlled breath.
Even at the worst of times; Lee and Kara are always there for one another. There is a comfort to that implicit fact that cannot be described, nor ignored. William Adama can feel it radiated by Lee's gentle manner and Kara's acceptance of his support. The trust between them is nearly tangible for its sheer intensity.
Kara lifts her head and slowly opens her eyes, seeking his and together, they surrender to the flood of memory.
Chapter 3
Kara can hear the rain raging outside her bohemian style apartment. Her lovers' bed of earth will be soft tonight. The elements themselves are pouring out their sorrow to combine with the tears of those who loved him. The wind is fierce and the constant metallic clang of the fire escape creates a morbid rhythm to accompany her equally dark thoughts.
One bottle of ambrosia lays on the floor, empty and discarded. The second sits on the table before her, ¾ full, taunting her with the promise of oblivion. It's a lie. She learned after the first bottle that peace was not a flavor to be swallowed. Grief is bitter and ubiquitous. Alcohol never stood a chance…maybe something stronger… something permanent?
Her hand trembles as she reaches over to the chair and draws her weapon from its holster. She pops a bullet from the chamber, admiring the aerodynamic beauty that is destined to cause devastation and pain. She places the gun at the far end of the coffee table, but sits the bullet before her and stares at it intently. When the lightening flashes, she swears that its reflective gleam winks at her… issuing a challenge.
The metal feels cool beneath her nimble fingers…left…right…left…right… she rolls the casing back and forth across the wooden surface as she sits on the floor. "I buried my future today." Her voice grows hollow, "Maybe I should just bury you as well and take the pain away… hmm? Would you like a new home…right here?" she points to her temple with an unsteady finger. Kara only manages to produce a mirthless laugh which quickly descends into a gut-wrenching sob.
An eye for an eye…a life for a life…Zach is dead because of her. But his death is not her worst sin…not by far…and it's a crueler penance for Kara to live with the guilt of all she's done than to die now. To load her gun and pull the trigger would be to deny Zach justice… and if nothing else, she owes him that.
In the distance she can hear a rumble…but it's not thunder…the banging is too deliberate and her foggy mind registers that someone is knocking at her door. Well frak them!
Blessed silence prevails again and Kara stares out into space…not seeing the bottle, not seeing the bullet, not seeing a future. The ladder outside crashes loudly, causing Kara to spring onto unsteady feet. As she opens the window a figure rises into her field of vision and she stumbles backward in shock. A wet hand grabs her arm preventing her fall…or rather delaying it. Unbalanced and drunk though she may be, Kara Thrace is a fighter, and chivalrous or not, this man is an intruder in her home.
Lee opens his mouth to ask if she's ok and she nearly knocks out his front teeth. He looses his grip on her arm in dodging the blow and Kara falls flat on her ass with a slight yelp. For a moment he just stares at her, allowing the rain to saturate him further. When the light of recognition dawns across her face, Lee barely suppresses a chuckle when he asks her "Are you okay?"
Her bewildered eyes turn fiery, "What the frak do you think you're doing?"
"You didn't answer the door…so…"
"So? Did it ever occur to you that I might want to be alone?" she asks rising to her feet. "Or is breaking and entering your standard response to a locked and unanswered door? Did ya ever think of calling first?"
"I tried that but it said your line was disconnected" Lee replies sternly.
"Yeah well I was too busy choosing funeral flowers to worry about petty details like phone bills" she snaps. The impact of those words hit them both at the same moment and Kara swiftly drops her graze from Lee's. Her tone becomes subdued, "What are you doing still standing out there? Get your ass in here."
Lee climbs over the ledge and into the loft, closing the storm out behind him. "Would I be right in thinking the electric company is missing your contribution this month too?" he asks, gesturing to the few candles illuminating the dark.
Kara only shrugs in reply, not trusting herself to speak again. Instead, she drinks in the sight of her best friend, her fiancé's brother, dripping sarcasm and water into her apartment. She can see the muscles in his body shiver from the damp cool and in contrast, she feels warmth rise within her. Whether it's from the glorious image of Lee Adama glistening by candlelight or the pervasive guilt for the sheer idea is indecipherable. She finally finds her voice while focusing on the puddle at his feet, "I'll get you a towel and a dry shirt."
He watches her retreat to the small bedroom and rakes his gaze across her apartment. Lee has been here many times before and he always thought of this space as an extension of Kara herself, emulating her mood. Perhaps it's because of her artwork and poetry on the walls… it's like her soul has bled out into her surroundings to the point that they reflect one another. Ordinarily this place was boisterous and passionate, but tonight it is melancholy and hollow. The sorrow pulses, poisoning his body, laboring his mind, and it engulfs him completely.
Lee needs a drink. As he reaches for the bottle of ambrosia, a flicker of candle light illuminates the gnawing fear that prompted his visit. Unconsciously his fingers by-pass the bottle and clasp around the smooth steel. His sense of touch confirms the bullet is real and Lee sags to the floor as the weight of this latest nightmare collapses upon him.
"You should be able to fit into this sweatshirt. I stole it from a marine guard at the…" the last word dies from her lips. Lee is sitting on the ground, examining the bullet with a furrowed brow and slowly those beseeching blue eyes turn up to meet hers.
Chapter 4...
Kara is numb with shock…the way he's looking at her now is worse than anything she could have ever imagined. She'd be happy to see pity in his eyes…anger towards her for being stupid…fear…loathing… accusation…anything would be better. Instead she sees tranquility in those blue orbs…gods forgive her…she can see understanding and empathy. Only someone who's considered taking their own life could look at her as Lee does now. `No!' her mind screams, 'I will not be responsible for the death of another Adama.' She resolutely walks toward Lee, smacks the bullet from his hand, and smartly strikes him across the face on the back-stroke. Tears are falling down her face as she sinks to her knees in front of him, clutching the damp material of his T-shirt, she commands his gaze "I never…EVER…want to see that look in your eyes again! Do you hear me? Do you understand me?"
Lee's head is still reeling from the unexpected slap she'd administered, but the hysterical intensity of her tone and grip, gives him focus. He's never seen her like this before…unhinged. Then again, Lee himself never considered life anything less than a gift until 5 days ago. He cups her face and looks her straight in the eye, only to find an agony that matches his own. He needs to calm her and explain his own `why' before he can ask her the same. Lee sighs deeply, "Did you know that my first memory in life was of Zach?"
Kara pales, horror-stricken by this newest revelation. `Is there no end to the misery that her love inflicts?' But the thought is erased as his thumb lightly caresses the apple of her cheek and his index finger gently strokes beneath her ear.
"I was 2 when he was born and I don't remember anything of life before my little brother wrapped his hand around my finger." He feels the heat of her tears fall against his thumb and pulls Kara tightly against him, her head falling naturally into the crook of his neck. Lee rests his head against hers, his cheek sliding amongst the fine strands of her hair as she burrows deeper into the safety of his embrace. "After the funeral today, that memory was all I could think of and I just could not imagine a life without Zach in it." Lee swallows the lump in his throat and pulls back gently so he can see her face. "I find no comfort in sermons of the here-after…in the promise that things will get better in time…there's only a void. It's like I died with him. If it feels that way…is it true, Kara? Did you feel it?"
"Yes, I felt it" she whispers, sitting back onto her heels. "But it didn't last" her eyes stray to the bullet cast upon the floor. "I felt dead. I felt nothing. But now all I'm capable of is feeling… anger…pain…guilt. That trio will haunt me for the rest of my life and there's no escape." Her own clothes are now wet from clinging to her last hope and worst betrayal. She clutches her arms, holding herself together, and barely whispers "I'm damned."
"Kara? Do you know why I'm here?"
She shakes her head, not meeting his eyes.
"Kara, do you know what brought me back from the edge?" She gives him her eyes and as Lee replies he squeezes her hand, "I realized that my death would cause more pain to those I love who were left behind."
Kara's face falls into a weary smile because that answer is pure Lee… selfless and considerate of others. "You have a father and mother who'd miss you, Lee, who love you. My past is empty…now so is the future." His blue eyes flicker with alarm, or perhaps it's a trick of light, "But you don't have to worry about me. I'll survive and keep fighting…it's the only thing I know…that's my family legacy."
"Kara, that's not living. No matter what you think or what twisted shit your mother fed you, you deserve to be happy…to be loved." Lee knows he's hit the mark when her eyes go wild.
"No I don't! You don't understand. I…" she's on her feet shouting, willing Lee to understand that she's responsible for all the pain that the Adama family is enduring. The simple truth is best, but it falters on her tongue..."I…it's my...it's my fault." Her knees give out as she makes the admission and she feels Lee gather her in his arms, lowering them to the floor. He's holding her in his lap, strong arms snaked around her back, whether for balance or to keep her from running she's not sure. Kara keeps her eyes trained on the floor.
"Kara look at me" it's a statement, not a question.
She twists her torso so that their foreheads touch, placing her hands lightly atop his shoulders. She keeps her eyes closed tightly for a few minutes, until she feels him brush a gentle kiss on her cheek. Her eyes fly open and there's a world of uncertainty staring up at her.
Now that he has her attention, Lee delivers the message that he knows she will never accept, "Zach is dead Kara…and it's not your fault."
She pushes at his shoulders, "Let me go!"
Lee's response is to tighten his grip around her, "It is not your fault."
"Stop it!" Kara screams, but he doesn't listen…he just keeps repeating those 5 words over and over, as though the mantra was true. He believes it so deeply, completely; his faith salts her raw wounds until she loses all control, punching his chest, lashing out in a flail of arms and obscenities.
Lee switches his hold, grabbing her wrists tightly and pulling them behind her back. "Look at me, for fraks sake! Look at me, Kara, and understand…it was an accident."
Her frustration is at its peak and she can't stand to hear him hand out another absolution for her crime...he doesn't understand...he doesn't know the worst. Her lips attack his mouth, a last desperate attempt to stem the flow of forgiveness she can never accept. The kiss is hungry, frantic, salty with tears, and yet it's the sweetest taste she's ever known.
It's improper. A mere distraction from their grief, but Lords of Kobal forgive him, he's never needed anything like he needs her now. The soft moan that escapes from her is a temptation no man was meant to refuse. Though his call sign is that of a god, Lee Adama is only a man. He gives in. Her lips are soft and yielding, like her body against his, but fierce and passionate, embodying the very essence of Kara's spirit.
She breaks the kiss, breathless and frantic "I'm tired Lee. I can't fight anymore when there's nothing…nothing but pain and guilt." She swallows back the emotions, "I need to feel something more than that… I need to know there's something beyond this despair, this cold emptiness…I need you to show me." She brushes her lips across his jaw line, her fingers cradling his neck, "Please, Lee? Please."
He's never heard Kara beg for anything, it's an act completely at odds with everything he knows of this beautiful, strong woman. Yet she was begging now…for comfort, for the heat of damnation, for Lee… for them. Lee's restraint is rendered obsolete. He'd do anything to stop her tears...give all of his body and soul to make her smile. He kisses her slowly, with the dedication to bring her hope…to prove to her, that she is deserving of life...that she is loved.
Chapter 5
Kara doesn't remember how they managed to get to her bedroom. She doesn't know how their clothes became a wet discarded pile on the floor. She cannot remember these things because all else fades away when Lee kisses her. In those first moments, the touches they share, whether with hand, mouth, or body, those are the only things she can recall.
Lee can feel her heart pounding as he caresses an aroused nipple with his thumb and forefinger. Her foot slides along the inside of his calf, spreading her legs and unconsciously he rubs himself against her, sighing at the decadent warmth he finds. She shudders at the contact and he wants nothing more than to taste her, claim her. But he holds his desire in check, reminding himself `this is for her.'
The pain of loss is dulling as the pain of need becomes more acute and Kara cannot wait any longer, "Lee."
He can feel it in her body even before she calls his name and suddenly he's there.they are there.they are one. Lee is confused to find himself `home' in a place where he's trespassing. But when she moves beneath him, his mind clears to a single purpose. Kara.
She moves with him, matching his powerful thrusts harmonizing naturally. Sex and flying; with Lee she can do both without the necessity of words. And there's only one word to describe the experience of both, "perfect" she whispers. The unique cobalt of his eyes questions her, but the mind-numbing pleasure he's creating only allows her to reply with a radiant smile.
He can see in her eyes, feel in her body, all that he is offering her, being presented to him in return. Love, hope, comfort, release, and freedom.these are the things he craves most and he knows he cannot find them within himself. He needs her. He wants her. He's always wanted her. It's his greatest sin. It's why he denies himself now. Lee's body shakes at the repression of such fire, but to succumb to her, to take her, would truly betray Zach.
Kara's eyes flutter closed as the first wave of her orgasm crashes upon her, "Lee.ah Gods.ah.Lee! Lee!"
Lee closes his eyes tightly, concentrating all his efforts on preventing his own release. He grits his teeth and thrusts through the ragged sighs and clenching warmth, until her tremors quell with a final sigh of his name.
Kara wraps her arms across his back, pulling him closer. His head settles against her breasts and she shivers when his warm breath cools against her damp, sensitive skin. Kara can still feel him strong within her. She can feel the delicious rhythm of his pulse caressing her walls.the sensation is incredible, but the implication unsettling. "Lee?"
Lee is struggling to gather his breathe, but she kisses him with an aching tenderness that pulls at his very soul. He pulls back from the kiss reluctantly, his eyes still closed. "I can't.Kara, I want to be here for you, but don't ask me to.I can't!" He tries to extract his taunt body from her warm, coaxing depths and feels her legs tighten against his backside. The gentle touch of her hand on his face is like a slap and his eyes open. The flush of her skin, normally so pale, makes her eyes shine a deeper shade of green.
"Why? Why are you holding back?"
He settles his forehead against hers, tracing her collarbone with his fingers, "It would be stealing that which was most precious to the dead. I won't be a grave robber. I can't take you," his voice falters, "not from my brother."
"You're right..." there's resignation and loss prominent in his eyes "but for the wrong reason" she clarifies. Kara sighs, "Lee, you can't take me from Zach.because I was never his." He's watching her intently, she prays that he's listening half so well, "I belong to me."
She rolls them, locked together, so that she's now above him. "Lee, I'm asking you to *accept* what little of me I have left to give." She breaks eye contact, looking down at where they're joined and splaying her hands across his heart, "Please don't tell me it's not good enough."
"Kara you have so much to offer, but I just can't." he stops abruptly as she slaps him lightly across the mouth.
"Stop punishing yourself!" Kara's voice is impatient, frustrated, and angry, "Death is the thief, not you." She kisses him with bruising force, until he responds with equal intensity. She pulls back, telling him in broken breath, "Life is hope. You've restored mine and now" she eases her hips up, then down slowly, grinding into the wet heat between them making him gasp, "I want you to be reborn inside of me."
"Ah.Gods.Kara?"
"I want this.I want you. I want to see the pain wash away and know that it's because of me." She guides his hands down his sides to her thighs, then up to her hips and sighs with relief and pleasure when she feels his fingers grip into her flesh.
Lee pulls her down against him while he arches his back surging deeper into her. And just as she promised, she accepts him. She accepts him with an enthralled moan, followed by a ravenous kiss. The tone quickly becomes primal.hard and relentless.but never careless. Kara sways and pulls above him, demanding control and relinquishing power with seamless grace and beauty.
All guilt is washed away by the warm currents of their primitive rhythm. They loose themselves in finding one another.
The sight of Kara ragged with exertion and flushed with the peace made between them is the first image of Lee's rebirth. He holds her close and rolls them to the side, entwining their hands, forging another link between them.
Serenity is what she sees in his eyes. It's what she feels in her own heart for giving it to him. She knows that this tranquility will only last until dawn, but the memory will never fade.
Lee slowly raises their hands to his lips, kissing them lightly along the ridge. When he raises his gaze, he sees Kara sitting before him in his father's office, their hands still clasped together. He can feel the cool air on their knuckles, drying the ghost of a warm kiss. Her eyes are glassy, alight with remembered passion, but rapidly dimming in the light of present reality.