Word Count: 1,485
Date: 3/28/05
Series:
Rating: K
Category: Character
Pairing/Focus: William Adama
Warnings:
Summary: Post KLG2 What’s going on in Adama mind
Spoilers/Disclaimers: Kobols Last Gleaming 2 /
I’ve been shot. I fly through the air. I can’t catch my breath. There’s pain, and confusion. I can’t seem to sort out the sounds and lights the only thing I can make out is your voice.” Dad, Stay with me.” “Hold on. I’m here.”
I hear you say, “Something, something else Galactica needs you. I need you. Stay with me.”
“Dad can you hear me?” I can hear your voice over the roar.
“Dad can you feel my hand holding yours?” I can feel your hand holding mine through the numbness.
“Don’t leave me Dad, I love you “ You’re eight. The young boy in the photographs in my office; golden hair, and crazy about his dad and everything dad does.
”Don’t leave me Dad, I’ll be good. Take me with you.” I can’t take you with me. I don’t want to leave you. Your mother will take very good care of you. Your mother needs you. She needs her brave little man.
“I don’t want a divorce. I’m sorry. I can be good. I can be good all the time. Stay. Stay with me.” I don’t want to leave you. I have a duty. I have a job to do. When you’re grown you’ll understand. You’ll be a viper pilot and you can serve in space.
“You need to hold on. The doctor is going to give you something for the pain. I’ll stay with you.”
I dream about flying and fighting. I remember the horrors of the last war. I remember my friends who died. So many died so young. I had the gift; I could fly and shoot the toasters out of the sky. I made the Cylons pay and pay. I should have died with them I outlived my gift. I’ve become a dinosaur.
“Dad, You have to relax. You’re safe. Stay with me.”
Caroline is young and loves me. I dream she still loves me. I’m forgiven. It’s my turn to have you for a while. You’re a sweet infant in your mother’s arms.
“Dad I can swim. Stay. Watch me.” The four of us are a real family we vacation by the sea.
“Dad, Don’t leave me. I’m all alone.” Zak’s gone. I needed you to be wrong. I just called an old friend. Zak didn’t ask. Kara trained him. She assured me for two years that Zak had the chops to be a viper pilot. I asked her many times. After your accusations, I needed to be sure I was right. Now I know that Zak never belonged in a viper. I don’t see how you could tell. You were right. I should have accepted that Zak failed the entrance exam.
Zak wasn’t you. Erdwell sent me copies of your sim stats and test scores. The best combined totals in the history of the flight training school he told me. The most precise pilot they’d ever seen. Straight from flight school to the Admiralties’ Viper Squadron unheard of. Selected for the precision performance team three months later. At twenty-three recognized as one of the colonies most elite pilots. We never talked about it. I never told you how proud of you I was. We both attended Zak’s college graduation. It was Zak’s day. I didn’t understand your concern about Zak entering Officers Candidate School. Zak’s too creative and free spirited for the military was your opinion. I thought the military was just the place to learn self-discipline. You shut down, not wanting your temper to effect your brother’s celebration. I don’t remember when we stopped really talking. It was long before Zak’s death.
“Stay. Take Zak and me camping. Please. I got all A’s and I didn’t get into any fights. Zak’s on the honor role too.” I wish I could but my leave is over. I need to get back. Next time.
“You’re going to be alright. Rest. I’ll be right here.” Yes, I’m tired. I’ll sleep. Stay.
“Dad, Kara’s safe. She’s come back to us. She’ll come and see you soon.” Good. I knew she’d come back. She can keep you company while I rest. I need to rest a little longer
When I open my eyes you’re a man. You’ve has fallen asleep in your chair. Your head is resting on one arm while you hold my hand with the other. I reach out to touch your hair but sleep comes before my hand understands what I intend.
“Dad, I have to go. I need to relieve Tigh in CIC” I can feel you squeeze my hand. I feel you move to stand. I like knowing you’re with me.
“Stay,” I say.
“Dad, Can you hear me? Are you awake? I can stay a little longer.” I hear you. I can hear the excitement in your voice. I need you close so I can rest.
“Dad, I gotta go now. I’ll be late. Tigh won’t let me see you if I don’t follow orders.”
I say, “Stay.” It doesn’t work. You squeeze my hand and brush my forehead with your lips as you leave. I try, ”Don’t go.” Maybe you can’t hear me
“I’ll be back as soon as I can. Kara will be here soon. You won’t be alone.”
I sleep. I start to wake up, but I know you aren’t there. I hear muffled sounds. I remember the end of the world. I remember I thought I lost you. I‘m fighting the Cylon on Rangor station. The dream won’t end. I hear lots of muffled confusing sounds.
“Dad, It’s Lee. You’re safe. We’re on the Galactica. Relax. I’ll be there soon.”
Your voice sounds mechanical but I can hear you and my dream stops. The next time I hear your voice I realize you are on the phone you are calling me from CIC.
“Hi Dad, I’m just calling to make sure you’re feeling all right. Kara called me a while ago because you were having a bad dream. I just calling to let you know my shift will end in an hour and I’ll come straight to you.”
Good boy. You’re always a good little warrior. I remember. You’re a man and a stranger. I left. I wasn’t there. Your mother warned me. She told me you and Zak needed me. Especially you. She told me you kept things from her. You bottled things up. You worried .You were trying to protect her. When did she tell me that first time when you were nine or ten? I remember I lost you. I never have the right words. Sometimes I’m afraid to look you in the eye. I’m afraid of your righteous indignation. I’m afraid to be judged by that finely educated idealistic mind of yours. I know you’ll see my faults.
“Hi Dad, the doctor tells me he thinks you could wake up any time now. Please try and wake up everyone misses you. I miss you.”
Will you stay if I wake up? Or will you hide behind military protocol? Will you stop holding my hand? Will you stop kissing me when you leave? I know you still love me. I won’t leave.
“Dad what are you thinking about? Talk to me.”
I like this dream. I want my boy back. I get everything back. I’m old and sick. A man needs his son. No more frakking around. You hold my hand. You give me hugs and kisses. You got to smile. Real smiles not those polite little faces you make when you think a smile is expected. If I know you love me, you can be angry. No more hiding. I’m your dad. You can’t love that schoolteacher more than me.
“You’re going to have to open your eyes to see me smile.”
Frak I hope I’m dreaming? I know you’re not eight anymore. You are so invested in taking responsibility I have to look at you. Look at you right in the eye. There’s light. I can see your outline. I can’t see your eyes or smile but I can hear your smile in your voice.
“So I have to bribe you to wake up. OK I’ve got your hand. I can kiss you but hugs are going to have to wait until you’re stronger.” I feel your lips on my check and forehead.
“Dad, You need to wake up and talk to me, I might get too lonely and go hang out with President Roslin.” I hear you laugh as you say it. I can tell Kara is hitting you. Reminding you she’s your best friend. She’s sticking up for me she’s so good to me. I say, “Stay. Don’t go.” Kara kisses me. You kiss me again. I like this dream. I’d like to keep this dream going, but I drift back to sleep.