Word Count:
Date: 8/26/05
Series: Season 2
Rating: K+
Category: Relationship
Pairing/Focus: Lee/Kara; Helo
Warnings: angst
Summary: This fic is about what happens after the ball scene in
Home 1
Spoilers/Disclaimers: Spoilers up to mid season 2; I don't own
them wish I did
Did I just tell Kara that I love her? Lord's, I so frakking did. Lee smiled to himself, he simply couldn't help it. Just a few days ago life had been empty, no one left that he loved. Hearing the news that his father was okay had nearly brought him to his knees. His relief and joy was only tempered by the knowledge that he was a disappointment to his father.
When he heard Kara's voice over the comm. he finally released the breath that he had been holding since she jumped away in that damned Raider. He smiled for the first time, really smiled since……..Colonial Day? Yeah, that felt right. He has had nothing to smile about since Kara got naked with the Vice President. Stop thinking about that Lee. Having Kara back made something in his body click back into place. Getting his arms around her had felt achingly right. The fact that her arms were around him just as tight, squeezed his heart. It was that strength that she held him, that smile that she gave him that put his body on auto pilot and made him kiss her. He kissed her. He kissed Kara. He hugged her, he kissed her, he told her that he loved her, yet things were no simpler now between them than before.
He wanted to spew out to her all her failings, how she drives him completely nuts. He wanted to put her through some of the crap he had been through without her. Something in him knows that Kara is supposed to be by his side, always. She is supposed to support him, give him strength, and……… love him. Yes damn it, love him. Instead she drives him insane, keeps herself aloof, all prickles and armour. She never frakking does what he wants her to. She is the most independent, stubborn, ill tempered, gifted, beautiful woman he's ever met. Zak loved her. His father loves her. He loves her. How on Kobol she managed to make all three of them love her, despite her failings, only makes him chuckle and love her more. How less complicated his life would be if he never knew her, how empty it would be.
Her echoing words keep sounding in his mind. "Did you say you love me? Lee Adama loves me. No, it's sweet, you love me. You can't take it back, there's no take backs. You love me. You love me." Lee had fled as fast as he could without actually running. He had tried to deny it, temper his words so they didn't expose his raw emotions. But she wouldn't let him, and how grateful he is for that. She took all his combined actions of the day and simmered them down to a tenuous comfort level that they could sustain. Maybe one day they would address what happened between them, those short weeks ago, but Kara had allowed them a truce, a chance for Lee to not let her slip through his fingers again.
After the shock of her being back had worn off a little, Lee had the strongest need to be in her presence, to hear her voice, the hug and kiss were already fleeting in his memory, too brief, too short, life happening too quickly. Now if he were to touch her he would take his time and savour every second of contact she would allow.
Something is wrong with her though. There's something in her eyes that he doesn't recognise. Pain, more pain than she usually keeps. Something out of the ordinary must've happened to her back on Caprica. Lee is suddenly relieved that Helo was there to help her, look out for her. They got back in one piece though, so that's all that matters for now.
Walking away from her, escaping her teasing, Lee can't keep the wide smile off of his face. His stomach tightens at the remembered feel of her body heat at his back. They had pressed up against each other, increasing the pressure as their conversation wore on. Lee's hands start to tremble with need to touch her again; his lack of human contact in the last few months is painfully showing. The conflict between his mind and heart was reaching desperate heights. Maybe now was the time to give in? Just frak the rules and go grab his woman. Kara wasn't in top form at the moment, so maybe he could get away with it before she remembered what a prick he had been. If she had died with the last private words between them being her saying sorry and him basically telling her that she meant nothing to him; if the last time he had touched her was his fist in her face………
Lee made the quick decision, not so hard at the moment, and quickly made his way back to her. He was going to hold her, even if she struggled, he was going to kiss her, even if she turned her head, he was going to tell her that he loved her – again. This time he would do it right, make sure she had nothing to tease him for. Lords, he has never been this consumed by another being before, it was her fierce independence that made him feel sick with fear. The urge to control, to bend, to protect, to love was spiking through his veins.
As he approached that locker room, Lee paused to gather his nerve. He could hear arguing, Kara and Helo. Helo was worried about Sharon. The argument was at its end though and Lee was about to go in when Helo's words pinned him to the deck.
"Do you miss him?"
"Frak Karl, what do you think?"
"He's a good guy, when you were taken by the Cylons he was more worried for you than I was."
Lee heard the pyramid ball bounce against the wall. "Do you think anyone would notice if I took the heavy raider and went back?"
"To get him or stay there with him?"
"I don't care; I just need to be with him."
Helo chuckled. "Kara Thrace and the Captain of the Caprica Buccaneers."
"Frak you. At least I'm not frakking a toaster?"
Silence for a couple of seconds, and Lee's heart sank.
"You two made enough noise to wake half the compound, maybe that's how the Cylons located us." A whooshing sound then a thud. "Ow, Kara. Now I'm not giving you back this ball. I don't care if it is Anders'."
"Shut up Karl, and give me back my ball." Lee can hear the ball bounce yet again.
"How are the stitches?" Helo's voice sounded very concerned.
"Lee yanked me around before; I may have pulled them a bit. But they didn't bleed."
"Frak Kara, did you tell him to be careful?"
"Lee would get all protective and want to know what happened; I can't cope with that at the moment."
"You're going to have to let a doctor see you; apart from the bullet wound don't you want to know what the Cylons have done to your body?"
Lee heard a sob escape from Kara. Helo must be holding her because Kara's voice sounded muffled against him.
"I don't want to think about it. I just want to go back to Caprica. I need somebody……I need him. He accepted me without judgement, we made a real connection."
Helo chuckled at her, "Tough little Starbuck missing her man. Hey, how are you going to explain to the CAG about your Dog Tags? I've never seen you act so sentimental before Kara."
"You can't tell him Karl, promise me."
"Why, what would he care?"
Kara was silent for a long moment. "He wouldn't care, but he loves to hold my personal life against me and I'm not strong enough at the moment for the way he takes it out on me."
"What does that mean?"
"Don't worry about it, it's complicated."
"Is there something going on between you two?"
"NO…. I mean, maybe….. no."
"You don't seem too sure."
"I screwed up like I always do. I did something stupid, and I can't work out how he found out or how much he knows. But he certainly let me know that I was the last person he cared about and nearly fractured my cheek bone to prove it."
By this stage, Lee was feeling sick to his stomach, barely able to keep from sliding to the deck.
"He hits you?"
"Well I hit him first, but only after he implied I was a slut."
"Yeah, well that sounds like jealousy to me."
"If only he was jealous, if I thought he wanted me half as much as I wanted him……"
Silence again.
"Helo, can I tell you a secret? And I swear if you tell anyone I will rip your head off."
Helo laughed at her threat, "You and I know so much frakking shit on each other Starbuck, what's one more thing?"
"Before I came to Caprica, I slept with the Vice President of the Colonies."
"So what?"
"Umm, I was using him to stop thinking about Lee and I was drunk and kinda forgot who I was with and accidentally moaned out Lee's name instead of the VP's."
"You didn't."
"You have no idea; you should've seen the look on the guy's face."
"So is this what Apollo found out?"
"I'm not sure, I know he found out about the VP but I can't work out if knows about the rest, they were playing a game of Triad the next day and it was after that that Lee came hunting me down."
"You get yourself into some crazy shit Kara. If you've got it so bad for Apollo, then why did you spend a week frakking Anders?"
"I thought Lee hated me and I wanted to see if I could get through it without seeing his face. And I'm so grateful to Sam for that, because I never once thought about Lee. Samuel made me happier in one week than I have been in two years."
"Damn Kara, you and I have the most complicated love lives. You know Anders looks a lot like Apollo."
"Does he?"
"Couldn't you see that?"
"No, and stop putting things in my head."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. I'm seriously considering stealing that Heavy Raider though."
"I don't want to upset you Kara, but the chance of him, of any of them surviving is not good."
"That's not true, he'll make it, they all will, they have to."
Lee finally had the strength to move away, shocked at the things he heard. His heart was broken; he was worried sick for Kara at what the Cylons did to her. He was repulsed by his own treatment of Kara at her description of how he treats her. He was jealous and angry and frustrated. Hearing her say that she wanted him so badly that she called out his name only made him feel worse. How could he triumph over this small victory when he had ruined everything between them by attacking her without right? Reflecting on that day he could now see all the signs that she displayed signs of pain and avoidance. She had pleaded for his forgiveness and he was too angry and hurt to allow her any.
Now he has lost her again, and the situation seems so absurd he wants to laugh. He wants to cry. He wants to put his gun in his mouth. Actually he wants to shoot Baltar and this Anders guy. Lee feels disgusted at how many games he has cheered on for Sam Anders the Captain of the Caprica Buccaneers
Lee can't help it. He feels completely betrayed by her again. How could she not be aware of how devoted he is to her? Wasn't it obvious? What about today? She seemed to avoid telling Helo about what they shared today. She had hugged him just as tightly as he hugged her. Yes, she did seem surprised at the kiss, and he was just as surprised. Yet didn't she feel that jolt of electricity that burst between them?
The way Lee sees it, he has two choices. Either put Kara out of his heart and mind, or fight for her. Lee didn't know if he had the strength to do either. He's been through too much now to decide either way. They could all die tomorrow; they could discover that there is no earth. Lee is going to do the only thing he has the strength for at the moment, he's going to bide his time and wait and see. They are still friends at least, always have been, it's something they both cling to. He guesses he'll have to starve for her a while longer, been doing it for years now, what's a few more?
Kara comes around the corner nearly bumping into him. She actually smiles at him and his heart flips in his chest.
"Lee. ……Still love me?" Her teasing smile challenging him.
"Yes."
Her smile slips and pain flashes across her face.
He challenges her back. "Do you love me?"
Fin