Word Count: 3,826
Date: 2004
Series: One
Rating: M
Category: Reltationships
Pairing/Focus: Baltar, Kara, Lee, Laura
Warnings:
Summary:
Spoilers/Disclaimers: Thanks to the ladies of the LauraRoslinFanfic group, your speculations
were my inspiration! Any errors are all mine, I take full responsibility. I
own no one, they belong to Ronald Moore and crew. I’m just playing with them
in my sandbox. <bg> I appropriated the title, My Favorite Mistake from
Sheryl Crow. Hope she forgives me. <wink> The lyrics to Say Goodbye
belong to Dave Matthews and are blatantly being used without permission. I
have no idea what Adar’s first name really is, I just decided to give him
one.
This is such a frakkin’ drag. Roslin stares morosely into space, absently tracing a finger around the rim of her glass. She wants to slip away and get drunk alone, rather than be subjected to watching everyone around her. She resents their happy spirits, the romantic relationships that are blooming all around her and her own loneliness. She sighs heavily and downs the contents of her glass, just past the point of caring.
From across the room, she spies a familiar face. For a split second, she simply watches him. Then she notices he is staring hard at something. She follows the line of his gaze and finds, much to her surprise and dismay, whom he is watching with such intensity. She gasps audibly, her hand clenching the empty glass, almost tight enough to shatter it. Her eyes flit back and forth between the two, feeling a great sense of dread when Thrace takes Baltar’s hand, letting him lead her to the dance floor.
Laura watches as Lee starts to his feet, then slumps back into his chair, his expression defeated. Her heart goes out to the young man in spite of her own feelings and it is difficult to for her to reconcile herself to the fact that the object of her recent fantasies is obviously pining for someone else. She chides herself, citing the inappropriateness of her thoughts of him, especially given their positions and the gap in age between them. She is, after all, old enough to be his mother.
She pulls herself from her depressing thoughts and glances back at Lee, the world slowing for a beat when she sees his intense blue eyes staring back at her. She smiles slightly and nods, her breath catching as he stands, heading straight for her table. Her heart begins to pound and her smile broadens.
“Hello, Madam President.”
“Captain Apollo, how are you? Are you enjoying yourself?”
“I’m fine,” he replies, avoiding her other question.
“Glad to hear it. Would you like to sit down?”
“Thank you.”
Once he settles beside her, sitting uncomfortably close, she asks airily, “So, where’s your date?”
“I’m here alone.”
“I can’t believe any woman turned down an offer from you,” she teases.
“Actually, I didn’t ask anyone.”
“Why?”
“Well…” he trails off, blushing.
“If you’d rather not talk about it, that’s perfectly all right.”
“Thank you, ma’am, I’d rather not.”
“I understand,” she nods, resting her chin on the heel of her hand, turning her body into his.
“What about you?” he asks, changing the subject, “Where’s your date? Who in their right mind would refuse a date with our beautiful President?”
It was Roslin’s turn to blush. No one has called her beautiful since... “I, too, am here alone.”
“That is a shame.”
It is then she realizes he’s had just enough to loosen his tongue, but not enough to deprive him of rational thought. “You are a tease, Captain Apollo.”
“And you, Madam President, are a flirt.”
Their eyes meet and something electric passes between them. Roslin begins to laugh and Lee joins in, easing the sudden tension. They quiet and sit in silence, looking at one another. When her scrutiny becomes too much, he glances away, searching for something to say, something that isn’t inappropriate, something that won’t embarrass him.
He is seeing in her again, something he has only glimpsed once before, that night in her quarters when he had come to assure her of his loyalty and found her in that baby blue robe he can’t get off his mind. It was the first time he’d realized how beautiful she was, that there was a very sexy body under that robe. He was seeing it again now, but there is something else in her eyes too; it is a painful longing, but for what he can’t guess.
So here we are tonight
You and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see what’s on my mind You’ve got me wild, turned around inside…
“Would you…like to take a walk, ma’am?” he asks softly.
“Please, call me Laura…no one calls me Laura any more,” she says softly. “And yes, actually, I would. I need to get out of here for awhile and get some air.”
“Let’s go…Laura.”
He stands and pulls her chair away as she stands, briefly touching her lower back as he guides her from the room and she thanks the Lords of Kobol that she didn’t shiver from his simple touch, that he can’t see the gooseflesh on her skin. Neither spoke for a long time as they roam the eerily silent corridors of the Galactica. Lee glances at Roslin furtively from the corner of his eye, wondering what she is thinking. He senses it must trouble her greatly from her rapid, agitated gait.
He takes a breath and begins, “Would you like to talk about it?”
Her stride falters and she sucks in a breath, annoyed, for allowing herself to be so transparent to him. She forces a smile and says cheerily, “Talk about what, Captain Apollo?”
“Whatever it is that is making you sad.”
“Sad? I’m fine.”
“You’re anything but fine.”
Roslin sighs and stops, fidgeting, her eyes glued to the floor. When she finally speaks, her voice is sad, “I’m just remembering someone I loved very much. When I…all those young, happy couples…I just-I just miss him so much.”
“Did he…die when the Cylons…”
“Yes.”
“Lords, I’m so sorry,” he replies, touching her shoulder lightly.
“Thank you.”
“I…I’ve lost people I loved, but never a lover. It must be…”
“He was all I had left,” she admitted, her eyes welling with tears. “My parents and siblings have been dead for a long time now. He was my family.”
“Your whole family? How?”
“My father and older sisters were killed in a car accident when I was fifteen. My mother died thirteen years ago. When we met, I was still teaching.”
“You’re a strong woman, do you know that?”
“Not always,” she chuckled, drying her eyes.
“You truly are. I admire you.”
“For?”
“For being a strong woman who hasn’t become jaded or hardened by life. For continuing to be compassionate and brave and kind when it would be just as easy to become a total bitch.”
“I went through a period of bitterness, but it’s not in my nature to be unnecessarily cruel, Captain Apollo.”
“I know and that’s what I admire most,” he says sincerely. He smiles at her and says, “That’s why you always have my support.”
“Unless I’m calling off the search for the woman you love,” she murmurs, looking him squarely in the eyes.
“Woman I-Laura, what are you-”
“Now it’s my turn to see through you, Captain. I saw you watching at her and Dr. Baltar tonight. You love her and it’s not platonic love.”
“No, you’re mistaken.”
“The hell I am,” she challenged, “Why don’t you tell her? Why are you letting her use Baltar to make you jealous?”
“I don’t love her. She’s like family! She was engaged to my brother!” he spluttered.
“Are you really going to stand there and tell me you aren’t in love with her? Are you really going to stand here and tell me that you weren’t looking at her and wishing it was you she was clinging to? That you don’t wish it was you she will be sleeping beside tonight?”
“I...”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“Well what about you? You’re pining for a dead man.”
Roslin froze, her expression crumpling, “That was cruel, Captain
Adama.”
She turns and walks quickly down the hallway, oblivious to the direction she is taking and the tears streaming down her cheeks. She can hear the sound of Lee’s voice calling after her, but she is not conscious of his words. She reaches a dead end and shouts a curse, leaning her forehead against the hatch in front of her, sobbing.
He can never understand the depth of loss she feels because it isn’t just the death of her lover that is breaking her; it is the loss of normality, of Laura Roslin, of warm summer nights, the sound of rain pattering against her window, lazy Sundays spent in bed, making love and bickering over the newspaper.
“Laura?” he asks tentatively, touching her shoulder, “I-I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve what I said. I just…”
“Captain Apollo, please…”
“Lee.”
“Lee…please just…I want to be alone,” she turns, her head down, scanning peripherally for an escape route.
“No. You’re not pushing me away,” he says firmly, pulling her into a hug.
She resists, squirming against him, shouting at him to let her go. Instead, he tightens his grip, and lets her rage against him, until she collapses against him, gripping the front of his uniform with both hands, sobbing like a broken-hearted child. He whispers words of comfort in her ear, stroking her hair and listening to the disjointed, jumbled phrases that she utters.
Lee has no idea how much time has passed when Roslin’s sobs give way to muffled sniffles and hiccups, and she’s leaning against him, her face buried against his chest, parts of Roslin’s past suddenly crystal clear to him. He couldn’t believe the pain she carried in her heart, never asking for help with her burdens.
Laura pulled back slightly, not looking at Lee, trying to prevent him from seeing her face, from seeing her shame at having lost control so completely. She felt at war inside; she trusted Lee with every fiber of her being, it was that which allowed her to fall apart in front of him, to accept his support. However, she had spent a lifetime keeping her emotions in check, never showing weakness and never accepting help from others.
“Why don’t we go inside and you can…y’know.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Lee opened the hatch and stepped inside and she noticed for the first time that they had been standing outside his quarters. She followed him into the room, unable to conceal her curiosity. She noted his few personal possessions, a photograph of his brother and he as children, a woman she assumed was his mother and a few trinkets here and there.
“The head-uh, bathroom, is right through here.”
“Thank you,” she murmurs, her voice husky from exertion and distinctly nasal from her crying jag.
She enters the small room, closing the door behind her. He hears the sound of water in the basin and takes a seat across the room, on his bed, the bathroom directly in his line of sight. He has a sneaking suspicion she will try to flee to avoid facing him. The door opens a crack, he crosses his arms and waits, watching as she slowly pulls the door open and starts to sneak out.
“Hold it,” he commands.
Roslin jumps and meets his eyes, “You scared the hell out of me!”
“I know I did. You’re not sneaking out on me like that. I want you to talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she replies stubbornly.
“Oh sure, women always collapse in my arms, crying their eyes out for no reason at all. I just seem to have that effect,” he retorts.
“Captain Apollo…I-I just can’t do this right now.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“What do you want from me? You want me to tell you how sad and lonely and crappy my life has been? That I never married and never had children, I taught other people’s kids and fulfilled my needs through them? That I’ve only truly loved one man and he was murdered? That we could never reveal our relationship to anyone because of our positions? Is that what you want to know? Do you feel better now for knowing it?”
“Don’t you feel better for talking about it? For getting all of that pain and grief off your chest?”
Laura pauses, taking a quick inventory of her emotions. He was right; she did feel much better. However, her fight or flight response has kicked in, and she is trying to escape but he won’t let her. He sees her eyeballing her escape route and he moves quickly, blocking her path.
“Damnit Lee! Let me go!”
“No.”
“Do you want me to hate you or something? Is that the goal you’re shooting for?” she demands angrily, crossing her arms over her chest.
“My goal is to make you face your past, Laura. What’s the payoff in carrying around the grief? Is it keeping you warm at night?”
“Stop it,” she whispers.
“Is it?”
“No, it doesn’t. But that’s all I have left of him and I can’t let it go! I’ll fall apart if I do.”
“I won’t let you. You can lean on me until you’re able to stand on your own again. That’s what friends do.”
“OK, say I agree to face my demons. Are you going to face yours? Are you going to finally admit that you’ve got feelings for Kara Thrace?”
“One’s completely different than the other.”
“Oh bullshit! It’s the same inability to face what you think you can’t handle. My pain, your pain, they’re essentially the same!”
“It’s not!” he argues.
Roslin crosses the room, standing face to face with him, her eyes challenging. Her tone is soft but the words she speaks are harsh, “It’s the same. And like everyone else in the world, you sure can dish out the advice but you can’t take your own.”
…And then desire, see, is creepin’
Up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way I do now
Now let’s make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
Just for an evening
When we make our passion pictures You and me twist up secret creatures
And we’ll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends…
He takes hold of her arms and pulls her close, kissing her. She returns the kiss, desperate not to feel so alone, even if only for a moment. He pulls away, gasping for breath, looking down at her, once again struck by her beauty, the ever-changing blue-grey eyes that stared up at him, her expression unreadable, the pounding of her pulse, visible at her throat.
“What was that for, Lee? Trying to prove that you aren’t in love with her?”
“Exactly,” he replies, his lips finding her throat, his hands pulling her jacket off, letting it drop to the floor.
“This doesn’t prove anything,” she moans, relieving him of his own jacket.
“If I am so in love with her, why am I here with you now?”
He unbuttons her blouse, pushing it from her shoulders, draping it over his desk. With his hands on her bare flesh, she is too distracted to respond to his question. She pulls his t-shirt over his head, and discards it, running her hands over his chest.
“You’re quiet all the sudden,” he murmurs, tipping her chin up.
“I’m not feeling any great need to talk at the moment,” she said dryly, pulling his face down for another kiss.
…Go back to being friends
But tonight let’s be lovers
We kiss and sweat
We’ll turn this better thing to the best
Of all we can offer, just a rogue kiss
Tangled tongues and lips
See me this way
I’m turning and turning for you
Girl, just tonight…
He chuckles, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her against him, deepening the kiss. He contemplates, for a moment, her motives. From the way she talks, he knows she’s still in love with the man who died on Caprica. Lee wonders his identity; Laura had been very vague about him, revealing only that their positions prevented them from letting the world know they were together.
Suddenly, her sorrow-filled words of that day, the day the world ended, reverberated through his thoughts. He finally understood what she was saying, without actually saying the words. She wasn’t mourning the loss of her President and close friend; Richard Adar was her lover.
These thoughts vanish when her fingers trail just beneath the waistband of his trousers. He sucks in a breath reflexively, his head dropping back slightly. His head jerks up at the sound of her throaty laughter and he smiles at the impish gleam in her eyes. His hands trail upward from her waist to her lower back, slowly lowering the zipper of her skirt. It pools at her feet with a soft ‘whoosh’ and she steps out of it, touching his cheek.
His eyes run the length of her body and he feels himself responding to the sight of her. It is his turn to grin when she hooks a finger into his waistband and pulls him slowly toward the bed; this hidden side of her being revealed fascinates and further arouses him. Their lovemaking is desperate and neither notices that the other calls out someone else’s name as they cling tightly to each other, coming down from the high together.
…Go back to being friends
Tonight let’s be lovers, say you will
And hear me call, soft-spoken whispering love
A thing or two I have to say here
Tonight let’s go all the way then
Love, I’ll see you
Just for this evening
Let’s strip down, trip out at this One evening starts with a kiss Run away…
In the wee hours of the morning, once Lee has finally fallen asleep, Laura gathers her clothing, dressing quickly. Her heart is heavy with regret for her part in the events of the last several hours. She suddenly feels like a foolish old woman. Her heart feels as if it is breaking all over again but she can’t summon the tears; she glances at his face, peaceful and innocent in slumber, touching his cheek once before she leaves, never looking back.
She manages to duck him for four days. Until she literally bumps into him as she is leaving a meeting with Commander Adama and Baltar. She stumbles and he catches her, his hands gripping her waist. She looks up into his face, paling. He smiles warmly at her, still holding her, despite her having regained her footing.
“Captain Apollo? You may release me now,” she murmurs.
“Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am.”
He flushed and removed his hands, lacing his fingers together behind his back. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you since…”
“Yes, I know. I’ve been busy.”
“Haven’t we all. But some of us still try to make time for their friends.”
“Is that a dig, Captain Apollo?”
“Just a statement of fact, ma’am”
“Uh huh,” she says, quirking and eyebrow.
“OK, so it was a bit of a dig. Where have you been? Why have you been avoiding me?”
“I’ve been around, I’ve just been busy.” She felt she had lied convincingly. “I’ve not been avoiding you.”
“Then why do I see you skulking around like a scalded cat?”
“I’m not skulking.”
“Of course not,” he concedes, though his tone implies he doesn’t believe a word of it. “At least tell me why you’re avoiding me. Is it because of that night? Why did you leave without a word?”
“Lee…don’t do this, not here,” she pleads, glancing about.
“Then where? I want to talk about this, I want a clear understanding of where this is going.”
Quietly, she says, “There is no ‘this,’ there isn’t anything to go anywhere, Captain. We were both lonely, we were in need of something and we trusted each other enough to ask for it. It was just sex.”
His eyes reflect his hurt and she wants to slap herself for being the cause of it. Her words are a lie; she wants nothing more than to discuss what happened, to know what he is feeling. But in spite of everything, she is unwilling expose herself again to the heartbreak that loving someone brings. Losing Adar has nearly brought her to her knees. She can’t imagine going through this again, even with Lee, no matter how deeply she feels for him.
“No, it wasn’t. A connection was made. You can’t just dismiss it.”
“I can and I have,” her gentle tone eased the sting of her words.
“I won’t let you write off a possible future.”
“We each do have a future but it isn’t one together.”
“Why are you resisting this?” he demands.
“Because our paths aren’t meant to intersect indefinitely and certainly not romantically. It was just sex. Wonderful, mind-blowing sex, but it’s nothing to build a relationship on. I don’t want to hurt you, but we have to be realistic: You love Kara Thrace but you’re willing to settle for the next best thing if you can’t have the original. But I don’t settle for anything, and you’re not going to get off the hook that easily.”
“I’m not trying-”
Interrupting, Roslin says, “Yes you are. And it’s perfectly natural too feel you have to settle because you can’t have what you want or because you’re scared to ask for it. But I’m not going to let us repeat that mistake. So, walk away, now. We’ll put this behind us and never speak of it again. We’re merely friends again.”
“But…what about…it’s unfair to you.”
“I’ll be fine. But I have to say, Captain Apollo, you are my favorite mistake.”
His mouth drops open at her words, speechless. She flashes him a smile, the mischief-filled smile he so loves, and walks away. She feels lighter and more grateful than her Captain Apollo than she can ever express. He had rescued her from drowning in her grief and in return she had shared a part of herself that few had ever known. She boards her shuttle, taking a seat in the passenger area, needing the solitude. I only said he needs to be true to his feelings and try to win Kara. I never said he would. She’ll break his heart; it’s her way.
Roslin sighs, leaning her head back against the rest, closing her eyes. A wicked grin slowly crosses her lips and she murmurs, “And I’ll be more than happy to make another mistake.”
…And tomorrow back to being friends
Lovers…love…lovers
Just for tonight, one night…love you
And tomorrow say goodbye…
The End